Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Sometimes I look across the room, see her and my heart flutters. My heart quickens, and my breath gets shallow. It is so powerful it scares me.
I have done some ametuer acting. I play poker. I have spent years learning and locking down my visable feelings and emotions. But a smile from her melts me in wonderful ways.
The feelings scare me.

What a crazy year it has been. Big things, little things, awesome events and life changing turns….

So it has been one wild ride. I did not hit all of my resolutions, but I never do. I plan to try yet again with many of them.
I have spent the day looking back at what all has happened in 2009. And now I am looking forward to looking forward to what a great life I have and what an awesome year it is going to be!!!!!!

It has not been a good week for me.

It has been an awesome weekend.

It has been a horrible weekend.

And the best part, damnable part of it all … it is all my owning freaking fracking fault.

I can’t talk. I won’t talk. I don’t want anyone to hurt, and by my silence,  I maybe doing more damage than is imagined. 

I live my life with the attitude that my problems are exactly that…my problems. 

I dont want anyone else to be brought down by everything that I have and my issues.

The fun part about this attitude, is that I hold no one but myself to this standard. And if I heard it from anyone else, I would tell them that they are making a big mistake. I have reasons for this attitude that one day I will delve into. But tonight. Tonight is about that lovely friend insomnia that has broken back in.

I try so hard not to hurt anyone; everyone around me is in fear.  At work I put on my mask and  grind on through. Work issues cannot be talk about at work due to the political structure. Who is friends with who still rules. Go to the right church, join the right club…..Stab the right back, drop the correct rumour…..POWER AND PROMOTION. Very few know how I feel at work. And even fewer know my personal life.

Well, enough of my whining. Time to replace the shields build the walls and realign my mask. There is a world to perform for….Let’s not  let reality get in the way.

I hate this. I am trying so hard to break out. I do not want to be like this.

*SIGH*

Things have been going great for a while. Work happy. Personal Happy. Relationship awesome.

I am doing horrible tonight.

Brain wont stop. 

Keeps going bad places.

Would love to talk this out, but have no clue what to say.

Fuvk

Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done

I work for a major government entity. I will not mention which one. However, this one I have to share….

So it has been a long time since I have blogged. Which I find funny, because I really have a lot to say. 93% of what I have to say is good. Do you, my loyal readers have what it takes to handle a happy D.A.D.?? A D.A.D. who is in a healthy steady wunnermous relationship???

Let’s find out!!!!!!!

One of the more exciting things that has happened in my life is a good old fashion, doctor diagnosised, version pf pneumonia. And let me tell that literally sucks the life breath out of you. It has been a bit exciting. One night, I am in that fun little stage where I am not asleep but not awake. I heard this little voice that said “You think that is funny; Watch this!!!!” I really did HEAR this voice.  

Hey, I always like humour. So I opened my eyes. But what I saw was just a wee bit out of place. I was looking DOWN on myself and seeing my girlfriend looking and yelling out my name. This was a very interesting perspective. That went on for about 30 seconds when I finally heard / felt/ did a soul shattering tear and breath. It felt as if it was almost my soul being pulled away. Next thing I new, I was back in bed, looking at my girlfriend and then talking to her.

Luckily, I do not believe I can have an out of body experience so I know that is not what it was. Who says denial is unhealthy??????

Enough of the whiney butt……

I really do plan to start blogging more. Great things have happened at work. More to follow!!!!!!!

Something really weird happened last night. Now I am afraid to go to sleep….

Lessons of life from Jimmy Buffett. Yeah……THAT Jimmy Buffett. Is he my actual Uncle? No. But I have decided to adopt him as one. It is his music that I song to my kids while they were still in the NICU. Author, poet, Musician, Philosopher…. And before you doubt his acheviements….

Buffett has written three No. 1 best sellers. Tales from Margaritaville and Where Is Joe Merchant? Both spent over seven months on the New York Times Best Seller fiction list. His book A Pirate Looks At Fifty went straight to No. 1 on the New York Times Bestseller non-fiction list, making him one of seven authors in that list’s history to have reached No. 1 on both the fiction and non-fiction lists. The other six authors who have accomplished this are Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck, William Styron, Irving Wallace, Dr. Seuss and Mitch Albom.

Pretty impressive compnay…..Now onto the lessons..

Lesson One: Never forget - they are the enemy.
This is anyone who stand between you and your dreams, you and your happiness or even just you and your next drink

Lesson Two: Just remember, assholes are born that way, and they don’t usually change.
You cannot make someone into who they are not. And always watch if you start to see a change

Lesson Three: You do not want to go to jail.
Self explanatory…..And so so true

Lesson Four: When you start to take this job seriously, you’re in trouble.
I "have" to take my job seriously….But I have realized, that I only have to act like it is serious

Lesson Five: It takes no more time to see the good side of life than it takes to see the bad.
I see this an finding that flower in a pile of shit. Look for good times no matter where you are. Smile. Make someone laugh.

Lesson Six: If you decide to run with the ball, just count on fumbling and getting the shit knocked out of you a lot, but never forget how much fun it is just to be able to run with the ball.

This has become my new motto in life. Sure. Shit is going to happen. "They" will try and stop you. Assholes will be asshole. Sometimes you do go to jail. But never forget to live life. LIVE. Dont just exsist. Take chances. Feel the rush. Have fun.