I have met a young lady and I think she and I are doing well. We have talked about going out on a date numerous times. It is getting to the point where I need to take her out or walk away.
Why am I nervous about asking her out?
Becasue it feels like I am cheating on someone who I have no chance of being with…….
Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless."
"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.
"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."
"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone." from Cervantes‘ Don Quixote - The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha
What if??? Oh such a dangerous game is the game of "What if?" To chase the unobtainable. To look back and see your mistakes and wonder what would have been if you had no made those mistakes. To see what could have been. To see sometimes what should have been. And sometimes to see what is never to be.
Why do I play the game? Why do I ask what if? Why do I still tilt at windmills?
Because one must dream. And because one must also learn from one’s mistakes.
It is amazing what you will do to be with someone you love and want to be with.
Update:
And sometimes you have to wonder WTF happened
June 6th, 1999. I met the woman that I thought would be my soul mate and life partner. June 6th, 2009 I had sudden cardiac arrest. Needed CPR and defibulation to be brought back. 10 years exactly to the day. Interesting coincidence?
What do you do when you need to lean on someone, but all the people you are supposed to turn to to lean on are 1) Not strong enough themselves to really deal with another’s serious issues 2) Too close to the situation that you are afaid of upseting them 3) Don’t know you as well as they think and if they found out the real you would no longer want to be close 4) Don’t know how much you TRULY TRULY love them and are afraid of them leaving if they found out the truth 5)Are part of the reason you need someone to lean on????
I consider myself an easy going guy. I am the one that reguardless of the situation can still manage to be lighthearted to help other people out. I was making jokes to help da Soon to be ex Missus out at our daughter’s funeral. I was making jokes in triage while having chest pains. Last thing I said to my dad before I coded was a smartass comment, joking about the situation.
After “waking up” in the emergency room, it was only minutes before my first wise crack came out. Of course, I did not realize completely what had happened yet. My hospitol visits have been a blast cuz I have all new stories to tell a captive audience.
Well, now, I have no jokes. I feel fine, ready to wrestle bears. A 20+ smoking habit-gone. Cold turkey. 3 days, no cravings even. Caffenine? Not a drop in same time period. And this is from a 2 pot of coffee a day man PLUS a 54 to 80 oz od Dr Pepper on tip of that.
But even with that, I just found out no driving for a week AT LEAST. No lifting of 15 lbs or more for A MONTH. No work for possible up to 8 FUCKING WEEKS. This is NOT a physical job. And now, one of the few palces I can find accomplishment has been taken from me.
The best part? I need to vent. I need to yell. I need to curse and scream and punch things. And I cannot. Because this is one of those that I need to have my little temper tantrum WITH and audience. And no one will let me. I love them all but everyone will be so fucking worried about my heart, that no one will yell back. No one will tell me when enough is enough. They will either try to shush me down and not let it get out, or be so afraid of saying anything it will be worthless.
So, D.A.D. Physically is doing ok. Doing amazingly well for someone who coded out saturday morning. Mentally and emotionally, D.A.D. has had a really shitty downturn this AM.
Well, nurses, docs, familty and visitors are about to arrive. Time to put my mask back on and continue the happy face lies!!!! Because, with most of my family and friends , god forbid I ever get upset or angry or have negative emotions. And that was BEFORE all this BS. I mean it was my “anger” that destroyed my first marrigage. Who knows what will happen if I show emotion again?
Currently in hospitol. Had heart attack. Will be blogging again very soon. Will start blogging again VERY regularly. Yes, I knwo I have said that before, but a short brush with death changes things.
I had a really self service sappy piece of shit blog post about this being the 10 year anniversary of first time da soon to be ex Missus and I got together, but I got and will have better thins to write about
True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.Edna Buchanan
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. When Harry met Sally
So there is the girl that I am really good friends with. She just ended a relationship. She is sexy as hell. I want her. Right now, I am her "friend" She knows how I feel. She is hurt. I want her. I have wanted a shot for a long damn time. She is married. The relationship she just ended is not with her husband.
Am I a friend?
Do I take a shot?
Do I behave?
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I have wanted her for a long damn time. She is married and that is not endeding. She does mess around though.
No real reason for this post, but I felt a need to write …
— I had a date this weekend. I think it went well. Ended a bit oddly. Broke the “three day rule” and asked her out again the next day. Got a maybe. Hope it happens, if not, life will go on.
— I had my kids this last weekend. Everytime I see them they continue to amaze me. I cannot say how much I miss them.
— I had a dream last night. It took place in first person. Twas rather odd. I was chasing or looking for something or someone. Twas very important. Everytime I came to what I thought was my objective something happened. I was in a panic about not finding my goal, but I kept laughing at the obstacles.
— There is another lady who I think there is possible interet. Well, let me rephrase that, I have interest, and now I think she might also. Minor problem, she is married. I know better. I have screwed up and seriously fallen for someone who taken in the past. I still hurt on that one. Luckily, I still have a great friend. I may have interest, I am learning to behave. But with this new one…well, I don’t know. I am sure some out there will say I am going to hell for chasing married people, I am working on it. It is hard for me not to follow where my heart goes.
— Ended up asking someone out for drinks. Was for a night that I had already asked someone else out and was still awaiting an answer. Luckily one of the dates couldn’t make it. I am just glad I am showing balls again.
— I realized that I need to work on my “blind date” technique. Tis been a long damn time since I went out on a first date. Even longer for a real old style blind date.
More to come
Had an intersting conversation with a friend tonight. A line was seemingly crossed. I think I am entering dangerous territory, but it will be fun.