Speed Freak … Day 4
So, I have been on the juice for 3 of the last 4 days… What have we learned??
- I have not noticed that I am not getting much more of my work done at the job yet. I know that I am still in an adjustment period, and trying to deal with the sickening silence, but I also may find out that there is just too much to do.
- I always joke that ADD was not really a problem. My quote was always, "You call it ADD, I call it mental multi-tasking." Until I started taking this medicine, I never realized how many things I was doing at once. A little here; a little there. While I feel I have lost a lot of the ability do to as many things at once, I am actually starting one project and finishing the same project before working on something else. Very odd concept for me.
- I understand a whole new concept of mental fatigue. In the past, with the brain pan jumping from this to that to the other, I would never work on one thing for so long that I would get tired of it. My brain, jumping here there and yon, always provided mental breaks to clear my head. The mental tired in the past came from getting and staying focused, and now it comes from focusing too much on one thing.
- I feel that I have lost some of spontaneity that I have had in the past. With all of the things that were randomly firing in my head, craziness and creativity resulted. That is missed. I know it is still there. Maybe once I adjust (if I adjust) to the fact that everything is not going on at once, I can re-tap into those things.
- HOLY SHIT I AM NUCKING FUTZ OFF THE SHIT!!! Notice I said "3 of 4" days at the top? Well I forgot my hit yesterday. And by that evening, I saw results. I was trying to clean the kitchen, while cooking, while chatting online, while talking to my wife, while playing with the kids, while organize my next week’s schedule all at the same time. Due to the fact I have seen things that I had never seen before, one part of me realized how insane that was. But it also felt natural. Why??? Because that is what I have done for 35 years. 97 things at one time, but few of them done well.
- I am seeing so many of the coping mechanisms that I have consciously and subconsciously developed over the years. For example, due to the fact I could never focus long enough internally on directions or instructions, I have always excellent at skimming and then improvising. I hope to keep the ability to fly by the seat of my pants, but now also have the ability to actually see how things are supposed to be done.
I see good things and bad things with this stuff. And I do realize that I am still in an adjustment period. If I stay on my crack, I will have to unlearn a lot of things that were, to me, survival skills. My coping mechanisms that I used to stay focused in the past; I find myself still doing them, but they are a distraction. I now know what it means to concentrate. I never realized that I had never concentrated on one thing before. EVER.
However, I feel that by gaining the ability to concentrate and focus has cost me my creativity and spontaneity.
Is it worth it??? We shall see.
P.S. I had to re do 80% of this post due to the fact I screwed up and deleted the original. I know damn good and well that 5 days ago, I would have cursed at the computer and never redone the post. Now I curse and it got finished. But I feel that this one is not as good.
I love you
Comment by AmyElle — April 15, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
It’s fascinating to read about this process. Good for you for trying the meds!!!
Comment by Mia — April 15, 2007 @ 7:21 pm
Not to put too fine a point on it, yes you are still in a “transitional” period, but you will forever will be if you continue to ridicule your own progress and such.
While, I am guessing you are adjusting to the “stigma” of having to take medication for what is all to frequently joked about (especially as adults) a problem. It really needs to stop. Calling it “my crack” , and saying things like “if I ever adjust” are only self defeating.
Focus on what you can (and have) accomplished, and stop lamenting things like, “I used to be able to Wing it since I couldn’t bother to pay attention before.” Your “creativity” wasn’t all that useful before. It was a survival instinct. Find better ways to use your creativity rather than lamenting how you can’t use it in the ways you have in the past.
(P.S. Yes, in case you are wondering, I do know what you are going through. Been there. Done that. Got the souvenier photo. My words are only meant as encouragement from a point of experience)
Comment by Joe Flirt — April 16, 2007 @ 9:03 am
Thank you all for tolerating my constant babbling through this.
Joe, I appreciate the support. All of the drug references are small jokes. I refer to it as speed since it is a strong amphetamine. The crack references have more to do with the difficulty we had in getting the stuff filled, and the stuff that I am on has an EXTREMELY high street value.
The “if I ever adjust” is me not wanting to hold out that this is a miracle drug.
Comment by tiggerstwins — April 16, 2007 @ 10:30 am
Good post Joe. Tony, trust me when I tell you I created really elaborate coping mechanisms to get where I am (you know what I do for a living so I’m sure you can imagine). In fact, when I was diagnosed he couldn’t believe what I do for a living.
I haven’t lost any of my creativity or my ability to think conceptually. I have however been able to actually move from concept to an actual product with greater ease. I’ll admit it isn’t a cure all. And you want to be really careful about how you spend your time on the net because actually you may be working against what you are trying to achieve. But I encourage you to keep working at this.
Comment by R — April 16, 2007 @ 12:05 pm