Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Well, I think I am finally ready to talk about what has happened at work. I am a manager at a call site, or I was a manager at a call site. To give a little history…

Three years ago, I applied for what was know an the management Cadre. Yhis wa three year assignment. This was a pool of people to be used as managers when a full time manager went on leave, got a new job, left ot whatever. Best dsisciption of this is to look at is as a substitute teach er pool. I did the "fill in" style of work for the bulk of a year and a half. I would do a week assignment here, a month there, three week the follwoing. Blah, Blah, Blah. I then finally got my own group. A team of my very own.  I made mistakes, I learned a lot. My team was disbanned due to the seasonal release we do @ work. I moved back into fill in work. And then I found out I had to reapply for the Cadre. I discussed with my boss about how I was nervous about not getting my position. She assured me not to worry, and we would then discuss my team I would be getting back. I reapplied. I was not rehired for the Cadre. Upper management had decided they wanted new blood into the system. Almost none of the old Cadre manager were selected.

We are to have at work totally brand new managers who are being given brand new employees. The manager have no experiance (Since the old Cadre manager took all the experience.)  Good luck to them.

It is so frustrating. I met all of the goals given to me. During a six month competetion, my team had the highest quality twice and tied for it a third time. Once again, we are changing for no other reason but for the sake of change.

The best part?? After being told that I am not good enough to keep the job, but I am still good enough to be used in the job. That is right…for over two month, I have still been doing management work. And, luckily, still getting the pay. The assignment does not end until the first week of January and I / we are being used up until then. And what are we / I doing?? I / We are  filling in for our replacements while THEY get to go to training that was NOT given to the old Cadre managers.

Not ain’t THAT a kick in the nuts? Now, there was a NEW manager Cadre package released. And I have been asked to reapply. And like a dumb ass, I did reapply. Why???  Because we need the money.

I hate that place. It has shown what a true whore I am. I am just getting fucked for money. And getting no satisfaction from it.

Ever need to just fuck???

Little romance, minimal foreplay, just rough hard forceful sex???

Body biting, back scratching, ass slapping intercourse!!!

Or is it just ME????

Wiktionary defines depression as (AMONG OTHERS):

1. a state of mind producing serious, long-term lowering of enjoyment of life or inability to visualize a happy future
2. a period of unhappiness or low morale which lasts longer than several weeks and may include ideation of self-inflicted injury or suicide

So how does one know they are depressed? Am I depressed? Are you? Is this the normal state of ups and downs? When are suicidal thoughts normal? Doesn’t everyone want to run away once in a while? Where do we go from here?

 da Missus suffers from depression. My sister does also. They are both on medications for it. In the last year, I have been so depressed that it led to an anger outburst where I ended up breaking my hand. I have in the last year felt so worthless that I have thought frequently about ending it all. I have thought about divorce. I have thought about murder. (No, I was not SERIOUSLY contemplating it, just a random thought that popped into my head that would not leave. Damn ADD) I have thought about running away from everyone I knew. I have thought about killing myself.  I spent a good portion of the year angry. I spent a short time at work doing basically nothing.

This last year, I went from being a manager full time for the first time to losing the same position. I was basically told at work, that I was not good enough to keep full time, but was still good enough to keep around as they felt like using me in the same position. I thought that my wife was leaving me. I decided that my children did not give a damn about me. One of my best friends and I could not really talk any more, while another friend and I quit speaking al together due to a fight we had.  

But, when does one go get help? When does one realize that their coping mechanisms are not enough? When does counseling need to stop and medication need to start? How does one know? When does one realize that these thought are not normal? Are they normal?
 

I need help on this one. While even though many of the things have turned around, I still feel that I am in a funk and cannot pull out. I hide it better than I used to, but I do not know how long I can keep it down. No, I will not ever act on the thoughts of destruction that go through my head, but I also do not want the underlying anger to rise. I do feel I need some help. My sessions with a councilor did zilch. I tried, it failed.
 

Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe it is the fact that another birthday is coming up. Maybe it is the fact that I have no motorcycle. I know I need to talk to somone about this, but since it is my problem I do not want to sound like a whiney-butt or burden anyone with my problems.

Things ARE going well though. On the home front, things are great. Da Missus and I are getting along better than we have in a long time. The sex life is slowly picking back up. I have a feeling that I may end up getting picked back up at work for management anyway, but there are no guarantees. But I cannot shake the funk that I am in. I need to decide on something and decide soon.

Sorry I have been neglect you my loyal reader(s). Things are going ok here in my universe. I just seem to have lost my writing touch.

I do have lots going on. However, for a quick update that tells you nothing…

Work :Horrid

da Twins : Doing great

da Missus : We are doing ok. Been through a lot recently that has nothing to do with us getting along; we are getting along great.

Datinbg Life : Undecided