Depression
Wiktionary defines depression as (AMONG OTHERS):
- a state of mind producing serious, long-term lowering of enjoyment of life or inability to visualize a happy future
- a period of unhappiness or low morale which lasts longer than several weeks and may include ideation of self-inflicted injury or suicide
So how does one know they are depressed? Am I depressed? Are you? Is this the normal state of ups and downs? When are suicidal thoughts normal? Doesn’t everyone want to run away once in a while? Where do we go from here?
da Missus suffers from depression. My sister does also. They are both on medications for it. In the last year, I have been so depressed that it led to an anger outburst where I ended up breaking my hand. I have in the last year felt so worthless that I have thought frequently about ending it all. I have thought about divorce. I have thought about murder. (No, I was not SERIOUSLY contemplating it, just a random thought that popped into my head that would not leave. Damn ADD) I have thought about running away from everyone I knew. I have thought about killing myself. I spent a good portion of the year angry. I spent a short time at work doing basically nothing.
This last year, I went from being a manager full time for the first time to losing the same position. I was basically told at work, that I was not good enough to keep full time, but was still good enough to keep around as they felt like using me in the same position. I thought that my wife was leaving me. I decided that my children did not give a damn about me. One of my best friends and I could not really talk any more, while another friend and I quit speaking al together due to a fight we had.
But, when does one go get help? When does one realize that their coping mechanisms are not enough? When does counseling need to stop and medication need to start? How does one know? When does one realize that these thought are not normal? Are they normal?
I need help on this one. While even though many of the things have turned around, I still feel that I am in a funk and cannot pull out. I hide it better than I used to, but I do not know how long I can keep it down. No, I will not ever act on the thoughts of destruction that go through my head, but I also do not want the underlying anger to rise. I do feel I need some help. My sessions with a councilor did zilch. I tried, it failed.
Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe it is the fact that another birthday is coming up. Maybe it is the fact that I have no motorcycle. I know I need to talk to somone about this, but since it is my problem I do not want to sound like a whiney-butt or burden anyone with my problems.
Things ARE going well though. On the home front, things are great. Da Missus and I are getting along better than we have in a long time. The sex life is slowly picking back up. I have a feeling that I may end up getting picked back up at work for management anyway, but there are no guarantees. But I cannot shake the funk that I am in. I need to decide on something and decide soon.
