No, really, I had a good week….
Overall, I had a really good week, all thing considering. I still have lots of issues.I am going to go into them in length below, but be warned….My brain ain’t right.
I guess last night was the wackiest moment of the week. I was going to bed and da Missus was still up plaiyng on her computer. As I was preparing for bed, I looked down and saw one of her pillows lying there. This was a pillow that she does not use very often. It was sitting on my side of the bed, Not a problem, right? Should not be an issue. But the thought that flashed through my brain was that pillow is out to smother me. She is planning on killing me in my sleep.
WTF???? Now luckily, I my rational brain is still around. I knew that this was not the case. Hell, As far as I can tell she and I are doing well. I am not doing well, but she and I are. But I lay in bed, having a panic attack about her killing me. The rational brain was there laughing at this absurd thought, but I could not sleep, could not slow my heart rate. I was hyperventalating due to the fact that I could NOT get the thought out of my head.
This article really struck a nerve with me. While I am not as far gone as he is, I can relate to him. I somehow understand him. And I feel that if I do not get help, and get it soon I would end up following his path.
I am getting paralized at work when things gp slighty of kilter. My schedule was changed on one of the systems, without my knowledge or approval. I knew it was a set up for me to miss a day so I could get fired. I saw my current manager and an old manager having a discussion not too far from my cubilce. I knew that based on the low voices, they were talking about me.
During breaks at work, instead of going down and smoking as I usually do, I keep to myself and bury my head in my computer. This is what has hit me hardest. Our smoking area (as most are) is a very social area. I am typically a very social person. I have been avoiding my natural habitat.
One day after coming home from work, I was trying to get da Twinsies to clean their rooms. da Girl would not. NOTHING I could do would get her to pick anything up. I felt like I was losing control. No, never got violent. I nbever even screamed. I did have to raise my voice a few time to be heard of her crying. But the whole time, all I could think is I was doing this wrong. I am destroying my daughter.
****SIGN***
Doctor Appointment is Monday. I do not really want on more meds. I really do not beleive that more drugs are the answer for me. But counciling has not work. And I do need help. And I need it soon.
Pray for me. Siend me positive vibes. Call out to whatever deity that you call you own and tell them to spin some good joojoo my way.
