Cartharsis……
I want to warn everyone, this post is about getting things out. It is about how I feel and a lot of random thoughts going through my head. It may be totally unfair; it may be totally irrational. But there are certain things I need to get out….
You have been warned.
Right now, I am wondering if I should save my marriage. I want to. I feel I need to, but I am wondering if there is anything left to save.
I am tired of feeling second best. I am tired of being the baby sitter. I want to be the best friend. I want to be the one she wants to be with. I would not even mind being the one that turns her on again.
I do not feel that I am any of those things. I feel that the only reason she wants me around is to help take care of da Twinsies.
I don’t feel that I am being shown any respect. Maybe it is just me, but it is getting old. This weekend sucked. To spend time with my family, I had to spend it up there at his house. Yes, it was the agreement that was made, but I am not sure I can tolerate the arrangement already. da Missus was wearing the "collar" he gave her. She knows it bothers me. I have asked her not to wear it when I am around, but she did anyway. Their other "toys" were left out. I asked them to put them away, because it upsets me to see them. But they are still out where they can be seen. Is this revenge from when I left mine out when I had a GF? Possibly. Or maybe I am just paranoid. And maybe I am just over sensitive.
She has made it quite clear, in my mind at least, where I rank. We even tried separating. It lasted less than 48 hours, when she called needing me. It was due to a health problem, and needed someone to watch da Twinsies. And I came running. And she realized that she did not want us to be apart. But if it comes down to me or him, I will be the one gone. She has stated that.
The final straw happened Sunday night. A movie is coming out that stars one of da Missus favourite actresses and favourite actors. We ALL knew she would want to see it. I called “dibs” on being the one to take her. HE decided that it would be a good time to remind me that while I could take her to the movie, he was the one who was having sex with her. I made it quite clear that I did not appreciate that he was rubbing it my face. Not once did she say anything to him about as far as I know. That was the final straw for me.
And that got me to thinking. The last two times she and I had sex, once she was drunk off her ass, and the other she accused me of raping her. I was informed that I raped her a couple days after the fact.
So there we are. She is supposed to actually come home this weekend. I am not holding my breath. Something will probably come up. It usually does. And while I want us to savage what we have, I am not sure she is willing to do what it will take. It maybe it has come time for me to force a decision. Maybe I do need to tell her me or him. All or nothing. While she states she wants us both, I feel I am getting the short end of the deal. This weekend will show a lot.
