The Parallels are scary, at least to me…..
As I told ya’ll in a previous post, I have recently moved into a new desk at work. And, while helping out a co-worker, I reached over for a pen, and found that it did not work. In the grand scheme of things not really a big deal, right? Truth be told, for whatever reason, I did not use the pen very much any way. I like the way it looked and thought it was cool, but it did not write the way I like my pens to write. The easy answer is to just toss it.
But, that is something I still cannot do. A week later, it is still sitting in a special compartment of a drawer in my desk.
Why not toss it? It is a pen that da Missus gave me many years ago, and I cannot seem to just throw it out.
And in so many ways, it symbolizes where I feel our relationship is right now.
We were not working. We were both miserable at the time. But I cannot let go. I truly wish I could just walk away from what we had and move on, but I still struggle in quiet desperation to figure out a way to rekindle what we had at one time.
And yes, it is more than da Twinsies. This is more than me missing my children. This is a feeling that she and I are supposed to be together, and not together just through the kids, but the grow old and live happily ever after type of bullshit
Every moment of every day I am tormented, between calling her and crying and begging and doing anything I can to bring her back, and having absolutely no contact with her outside of asking to see / speak to da Twinsies.
I still help hher in every way that I feel that I can, but I am also torn to tell her to get my replacement to do it for her. But that is just the anger talking. I want to help, but I also want her back.
It hurts more than anything I have ever gone through. It hurts more than losing our daughter. It hurts more than the kidney stone I passed a few weeks ago. And that stone was about the size of a #2 pencil. 
Maybe one day I will be able to move on. Maybe one day, she will realize that she made a mistake. Maybe both will happen.
Maybe I should join a Monastery. Maybe I should join a motorcycle gang…..
Or maybe I should just grow up, deal with what has been handed to me and move on…..
And maybe, just maybe, I need to just throw the damn pen away…….But not today
