I now understand the holiday blues. I have had my kids for thanksgiving, and all I can think of is the fact that I will spend Christmas without them.
This sucks. This is their 6th Christmas, and the first one that I will not be there for. I may just hibernate through Christmas until my weekend after arrives.
I hope eveyone had a wonderful day and remembers what they have. Even with the shitty year, I am still thankful for my family and friends; My two Beuatiful and brilliant kiddos; My wife (ex) wife and all the lessons I have learned from her. I am thanbkful for my health and the fac that I have a steady job.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of those who are not able to be with the ones they love.
Yeah, she hurt me worse than anyone ever has, and I do not feel like I will ever recover. I know that I will. I know time heals all wounds bullshit.
What really really hurts, is even with the pain and hurt and everything that I have gone through in the past with other relationships, what hurts most is the fact that I have lost the following
1) Trust
2) Faith in others
3) Belief in happily ever after
The loss of those things hurt me the most.
Noises in the background, children laughing, yellling, playing. Suddenly a sharp cry from the girl. A Moment of silences. da Girl starts crying. da Boy is yelling "I’m Sorry……I’m Sorry." I hear the sound of little feet running from the back of the house….
I use the phrases "da Boy" and "da Girl" in place of their real Names….
da Girl: Daddy…..da Boy hurt me……He hurt me…
D.A.D.: What happened???
da Girl: He hurt me…..He hurt me
D.A.D: da Boy……Come here
Sound of feet running from back of the house……."I’m Sorry Daddy; I’m Sorry da Girl"
D.A.D. da Boy…..What happened???
da Boy: Well, we were playing Ninja Turtle and I may have hit her…..
D.A.D. May have????
da Boy: Well, I did hit her, but I did not mean to hurt her. But we were playing Ninja Turtles…
D.A.D. OK……All right. da Girl….What happened?????
da Girl: He hurt me…….da Boy Hurt me.
D.A.D. OK….I got that. Now are you hurt, hurt like owie Ouch hurt? Or are you hurt to get da Boy in Trouble?
da Girl (Tears gone now) :I hurt so da Boy would get in trouble……….
D.A.D……….GO AWAY
Whether it is the truth or not……Please never leave someone saying "It’s not you, it’s me"
It still hurts
It has finally sunk in(Stop me when you have heard this before). My marriage is over. She is not coming back anytime soon, and possibly not ever. She has left and has my 2 kids with a man who i do not see as 10% the father I am.
She admits that what she did to ne is wrong, and still love me and all that bullshit, but cannot get over my past mistakes. Some real; some imagined. So I am learning to live life alone.
I have learned a lot.
1) Don’t trust anyone
2) Don’t depend on anyone
3) Don’t ever let go of your heart
4) Nothing is forever
I find it hilarious that she wrote this long wonderful post on my birthday in 2006 saying how wonderful and awesome and all this shit. 6 months later, she has a new boyfriend. Yes we were in an open relationship, but she had already checked out. And not even 18 months after that, I tell her if the open relationship BS was going to work, she had to come home, or the marriage was over. She chose the latter. Notice I didn’t eve say she had to leave her BF. Well, enough of that.
Now I do things my way. And I have told her how things are going to be changing, because even though she walked out on me, in so many damn ways she still relied on me, depended on me and seemed to need me. That is now over.
I will always be there for the kids, do not get me wrong there, but until he is gone, I will not and cannot be there for her. I hope she can handle what all that means.
More to follow
Odd. Usually my office makes a huge deal about this. I managed to miss seeing anything until today and until I had already had a smoke.
However, I think I am going to give it a try……
In a world of victimization and blame, the one who holds themselves accountable becomes the true victim and gets all the blame.
I am alive. Some serious shit is going on in my life right now, but I hope to be able to update soon.
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