Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Crisis handled. Able to formulate the prose that you all crave so much.

Much to tell. Much cannot be told. Updates to come.

Due to something that has occured, I will probably not be blogging much in the immediate future.

Please keep all my family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.

Check in everyonce in a while to see if I have returned.

Sometimes you can see something everyday for a long time, and then suddenly, one day, you see it in a whole new light and it changes your perspective on everything.

On a totally completly different matter, I have decided the dream was nothing more than a dream.

I am sure that I am putting way too much thought into what was a simple day dream. But there was just something about it that was so different. I think it was that there was as much emotional passion involved as physical passion. There were also no worries about whether I could satisfy her. I never worried about doing anything that she did not want. I did not worry about being too quick.

Thinking more about it, maybe that it what it was all about. Since it was a dream, (and we can be anything or anyone we want in our dreams) I felt absolutely no pressure to perform. In this particular situation, I felt that it was all about and totally about me being satisfied and satiated.

I do not think I am very good in bed. Let me restate that, I have been informed by multiple partners, that while I have some talents and do some things very well, I am a pretty bad fuck. Fact of the matter is, is that I have premature ejaculation on a very regular basis. And it is obvious a mental thing. I can go for quite a long time with foreplay or even oral action, but once the actual intercourse start; well that does it. We go in…..we go off.

It is rather embarrassing. Hell let me rephrase that, it is fucking humiliating. I have even forgone sex so I would not have to deal with it. I have tried creams. I have tried the deadening rubbers. No luck.

Ah…….Then there was this dream. This one wonderful dream. This dream was so realistic everything felt real. It felt like it was actually happening, even if the whole time I knew it was a dream. At no time did I feel any pressure to please her. There was no stress on whether I would be able to perform. Wow…..There is an eye-opening statement. I just realized that even in my fantasies, I was putting pressure on myself to “do it right”.

What I think I will try and figure out next, is that was I that at ease with everything due to it being a dream, or was it the person I seemed to be dreaming about. Was it the action or the person? Or does it matter?

Or, once again, am I putting way to much thought into a simple day dream fantasy?

Sunday afternoon I was taking a nap. And while napping I had a VERY pornographic dream. Was not planned. Sort of came out of nowhere. Hey, it happens, right? Admittedly, I also never tried to stop it from continuing….

What was bizarre about this dream was 1) who it was 2) how extreme and graphic it was and 3) my lack of arousal from the dream.

The person is a female who I have had a history with. But due to many reasons, that sexual part of our life is not active right now. And it may never be again. Who knows? I know that if the right set of circumstances I would jump at the chance. She and I are still very close just not in that way.

The dream itself was bizarre. It was almost straight from a porn movie. She was doing everything we had done before. She was willing and (in the dream) doing anything I have EVER imagined. I got a blowjob. I titty fucked her. I had intercourse with her in all kinds of positions and styles. Anything. EVERYTHING. What made it even more interesting, it that it was taking place in the half awake / half asleep stage when you KNOW that you are dreaming. So I knew this was all a dream, but it would not stop. Of course, it was entertaining / enjoyable enough, I did not try and stop it. While it was very pornographic and extremly graphic; it was not not just physical. Therre was feelings There was a passion between us. There was emotion. We were almost on a different plane of exsistance it was so intense. As animalistic as parts of it were, we were truly making love. At a level I have never been at with her.

I guess the thing that I truly found odd, is that physically, it did nothing for me. To be blunt, I never even got erect. I never even began to get erect. I mean nothing happened downstairs. It was like walking by a buffet of your favorite food, but not being hungry.

I really did enjoy the dream. I would even like to make the dream a reality. I cannot say that it won’t ever happen, but I am not looking for it to, nor will I ever actively try and make it happen. I do not realistically ever expect it to happen.

Maybe that is why the dream has stuck out so much. Maybe it was the amount of feelings that we were able to share. Maybe it was the physical matching being as intense as it was and the emotional level being even more so.

So, am I overanalyzing this all? Does it mean anything? should I tell the person (if they do not read this) about the dream? Was it just a wet dream that I could not get it up for? Is it my psyche teling me that this is someone that I should pursue? Was it a fantasy that I need to just keep as a fantasy? Was it just a dream? Do any of you dream interpreter have an idea?

Sometime the answer is right there in front of you. All you have to do is accept what ti is.

grudge - a feeling of ill will or resentment

 

I have never been one to hold a grudge. Oh, it has happened from time to time, but until I really thought about it, I always considered myself as one who let bygones be bygones. Or so I thought. But I am realizing that from time to time, I end up holding some people’s past indiscretions against them for a long time. And what I also learned, is that I hold some people to standards that I do not hold others to. This needs to end. I try very hard to be a forgiving person. However, I sometimes am not fair in my forgiveness. Why should I forgive person "A" for their transgressions and not forgive person "B" for theirs? Especially if it is a lesser "hurt".

I am trying to improve myself. This is an everyday thing. It is a project that will take a lifetime. I don’t think I will ever get to where I am supposed to be. But, then again, is it possible? We are all fucked up……As Uncle Jimmy’s friend Desdemona says, “human beings are flawed individuals. The cosmic bakers took us out of the oven a little too early and that’s the reason were as crazy as we are”.

The Good Book states:
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13) NIV

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (Matthew 18:21-22)  NIV

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14-15) NIV

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (Mark 11:25) NIV

I guess the point of this whole post is rather simple. There are a couple of people in my life who I am holding things that they have done against me against them. They have hurt me, and I am pissed about it. I need to learn to let that go. Oddly enough, da (soon to be ex) Missus is not one of those people. And she has probably hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me. But I have forgiven her. Should I forgive her, but not the others who have hurt me? Can I look at myself in the mirror knowing that I hold different standards for different people?

Nope, that ain’t right. So I am releasing the anger and the grudges.

This does not mean I am forgetting what I have learned. That would be like continuously placing my hand in a fire to see if it is hot. But I can learn to forgive.

Reach for the sun… We have a choice…….I choose to forgive