Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

 

True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.Edna Buchanan

 

Harry Burns: What I’m saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.  When Harry met Sally

 

 So there is the girl that I am really good friends with. She just ended a relationship. She is sexy as hell. I want her. Right now, I am her "friend" She knows how I feel. She is hurt. I want her. I have wanted a shot for a long damn time. She is married. The relationship she just ended is not with her husband.

 

Am I a friend?

Do I take a shot?

Do I behave?

 

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I have wanted her for a long damn time. She is married and that is not endeding. She does mess around though. 

No real reason for this post, but I felt a need to write …

— I had a date this weekend. I think it went well. Ended a bit oddly. Broke the “three day rule” and asked her out again the next day. Got a maybe. Hope it happens, if not, life will go on.
— I had my kids this last weekend. Everytime I see them they continue to amaze me. I cannot say how much I miss them.
— I had a dream last night. It took place in first person. Twas rather odd. I was chasing or looking for something or someone. Twas very important. Everytime I came to what I thought was my objective something happened. I was in a panic about not finding my goal, but I kept laughing at the obstacles.
— There is another lady who I think there is possible interet. Well, let me rephrase that, I have interest, and now I think she might also. Minor problem, she is married. I know better. I have screwed up and seriously fallen for someone who taken in the past. I still hurt on that one. Luckily, I still have a great friend. I may have interest, I am learning to behave. But with this new one…well, I don’t know. I am sure some out there will say I am going to hell for chasing married people, I am working on it. It is hard for me not to follow where my heart goes.
— Ended up asking someone out for drinks. Was for a night that I had already asked someone else out and was still awaiting an answer. Luckily one of the dates couldn’t make it. I am just glad I am showing balls again.
— I realized that I need to work on my “blind date” technique. Tis been a long damn time since I went out on a first date. Even longer for a real old style blind date.

More to come

Had an intersting conversation with a friend tonight. A line was seemingly crossed. I think I am entering dangerous territory, but it will be fun.

I have three sets of very good friends who are all unhappy in their relatiosnships.
1) A friend at work whose spouse and he have just grown apart. She has interest in him only as a support system
2) A friend who I used to work with who mate just does not help out or appreciate her and everything she does.
3) A friend who’s husband totally smothers her, suspects everything she does, and has zero trust in her.
All are miserable. At least two feel trapped and just cannot see a way out or are afraid to try.
I wonder if they really realize what it is like to come home alone after they have all been together 10+ years.
I really love them all and want all of them to be happy and hope they can find a way to save what they have and find what they had.

Since my date saturday got canceled, a buddy and I decided to cruise the bars and hit the local night life.

As we were driving from one set of bars to another, there was plenty to see. And i decided to call out to one of the young ladies walk the street from bar to bar. (This is very atypical behaviour for me).

• I called out to her
• She turned
• I waved
• She smiled
• My car shutters loudly and stalls in the middle of the road.

Yup…..That pretty much wraps up my night, my weekend and my life in general

Right now, I am really in the dumps, which is funny because just friday I was flying high.
I asked someone new out on a date. This was a real first date. In many ways, for how I felt, this was the first “first date” I have had in almost 10 years.
Yeah, I have had a few semi dates, but they were more drinks with a friend after work. With that young lady, when I tried something that wasn’t right after work, she said yes, but then something came up. There was another lady I went out was sort of seeing, but with her, I had dated her before and it was made quite clear that there was no future.
There was another lady from work who I asked out three seperate times. Three seperate acceptances. Three seperate cancelings. And now this weekend. Saturday postponed until sunday, and then sunday canceled.
So there we are. In less than a year period, I have asked out three seperate ladies out on dates. All have accepted, but then canceled. Great for the old ego.
This new one was very apologetic, and made it clear she wanted to try again, but right now, I am not sure I can take it, confidencewise. I do know things come up. I do know people have lives and people get sick and whatever but …
After a time, it starts to ring hollow and sound like bullshit. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I have serious trust issues and just feel like I am being set up. But right now, I would really like someone FEMALE who would like to spend time with me. Someone to flirt with. Someone to make passes at. Someone to generate possible sexual tension.
Some female who may, just may, want me for me. It has been a long long damn time where I have felt truly wanted. Not wanted due to a lack of options. Not wanted due to no way out. But truly, truly wanted. I realize now, that da Missus lost that feeling long, LONG time before we seperated. Long time before she ever met her current boyfriend. Probably long time before I even had a clue it had happened.
And maybe, just maybe that is why this hurts so badly. During da Missus and my final days we had an “open relationship”. Well, due to many things she started spending more and more time away. I kept getting from her, “I’ll be back @ XXX”. And then XXX would come and go…and then she would be an hour late. Or hours late. Or even days late. It made me realize (much later) exactly where I stood with her and where our relationship was headed. And now these people saying yes they would love to go out to dinner with me, and then canceling….well, I guess I just want to feel again like someone is willing to work and rearrange their schedule to be with me.
So, now I have this last cancelation. Excuse was illness. I now have to decide if I want to subject myself to more disappointment. But I guess I have to try. Ya have to gamble to win. Ya lose a lot of little hands to win that one big pot.

I may have a date this weekend. First time in a long time that i am going out on what could be considered a "first date". Things are still "iffy", but I think that is more due to possible schduling conflicts than anything else.

I wil fill everyone in later with some details.

 

PS……..Not TOO many details. I dont kiss and tell.

PPS… Date canceled/rescheduled

THIS makes me just want to kill myself

Over the last 6 months to a year, an interesting thing has happened. I have either started dreaming again, or at least I am remembering my dreams. There have been enough of them that have been thought provoking enough that I am starting a new category just for dreams.

Here is a description of my dream format …

• They are in colour
• I know that I am dreaming when I have them
• They take place in the third person. It is almost as if I am watching them as an outsider. I see myself separately.
• Even though I am seeing myself as separate entity, I seem to still make the choices that I follow. Almost like I am controlling a video game character.

The latest dream that I had (Which I should have written down MUCH earlier, much of it has faded) took place about a month ago.

 It started with me at a restaurant or bar. I had actually decided to go out to this place and had dressed up rather well. I am there, eating my dinner, watching some sporting event on a big screen TV all is good. The waitress working my table was rather attractive and was responding to my banter/flirting. This is someone I had never seen or met before.

All the sudden, she was in my lap, kissing me deeply. She looked into my eyes and stated that she wanted me and wanted me now. She got up, and walked to the back of the restaurant and gave me a look, daring me to follow.

So of course, I followed her. We went out to the back of the restaurant, and there, right against the wall, we started making out. Hands we everywhere, but someone came out. We stopped and she told me to follow her, if I could keep up.  

She took me on a long chase all over town. And then I lost her. She was gone. As I was turning away I heard her call to me, asking if I was giving up that easy. I looked up and she was laughing at me from an apartment balcony.  

I went up to her room, followed her to her back room where we started again. She told me to grab a rubber, and I reach in to her medicine cabinet…….AND FOUND 30 VIALS OF INJECTABLE LAXATIVE. AL KINDS OF MOOD ALTERING PILLS!!!!

 Then her little sister who shared the room came in. She was about 12. The girl I was with wanted to continue, WITH THIS CHILD IN THE ROOM.I left, and then woke up…….And once again; even with the physical and sexual nature…..I had no “physical” reaction.

The bug has bit again, and from what I can see; my dream is obtainable. I just need the balls to go forward, and I need to be prepared for everyone to tell my how irresponsible what I am doing is.

It is not the "norm". It is not "Ozzie & Harriet". It is not "Leave it to Beaver". That may be why I want it so bad.

This week, I stop looking at it as a dream and start making the plans to alter my life.

How big of an alteration? I guess that is all a matter of opinion. In the grand scheme of things it is tiny. Too many, it may be HUGE.

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down
I had the radio on, I was drivin
The trees went by, me and del were singin
Little runaway, I was flyin

Yeah runnin down a dream
That never would come to me
Workin on a mystery, goin wherever it leads
Im runnin down a dream

I felt so good, like anything was possible
I hit cruise control and rubbed eyes
The last three days the rain was unstoppabl e
It was always cold, no sun shine

Yeah runnin down a dream
That never would come to me
Workin on a mystery, goin wherever it leads
Im runnin down a dream

I rolled on as the sky grew dark
I put the pedal down to make some time
Theres something good waitin down this road
Im pickin up whatever is mine

Yeah runnin down a dream
That never would come to me
Workin on a mystery, goin wherever it leads
Im runnin down a dream  — Tom Petty

BTW…….nothing illegal, immoral, unethical or dangerous is going to be done.