Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Right now, I am really in the dumps, which is funny because just friday I was flying high.
I asked someone new out on a date. This was a real first date. In many ways, for how I felt, this was the first “first date” I have had in almost 10 years.
Yeah, I have had a few semi dates, but they were more drinks with a friend after work. With that young lady, when I tried something that wasn’t right after work, she said yes, but then something came up. There was another lady I went out was sort of seeing, but with her, I had dated her before and it was made quite clear that there was no future.
There was another lady from work who I asked out three seperate times. Three seperate acceptances. Three seperate cancelings. And now this weekend. Saturday postponed until sunday, and then sunday canceled.
So there we are. In less than a year period, I have asked out three seperate ladies out on dates. All have accepted, but then canceled. Great for the old ego.
This new one was very apologetic, and made it clear she wanted to try again, but right now, I am not sure I can take it, confidencewise. I do know things come up. I do know people have lives and people get sick and whatever but …
After a time, it starts to ring hollow and sound like bullshit. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I have serious trust issues and just feel like I am being set up. But right now, I would really like someone FEMALE who would like to spend time with me. Someone to flirt with. Someone to make passes at. Someone to generate possible sexual tension.
Some female who may, just may, want me for me. It has been a long long damn time where I have felt truly wanted. Not wanted due to a lack of options. Not wanted due to no way out. But truly, truly wanted. I realize now, that da Missus lost that feeling long, LONG time before we seperated. Long time before she ever met her current boyfriend. Probably long time before I even had a clue it had happened.
And maybe, just maybe that is why this hurts so badly. During da Missus and my final days we had an “open relationship”. Well, due to many things she started spending more and more time away. I kept getting from her, “I’ll be back @ XXX”. And then XXX would come and go…and then she would be an hour late. Or hours late. Or even days late. It made me realize (much later) exactly where I stood with her and where our relationship was headed. And now these people saying yes they would love to go out to dinner with me, and then canceling….well, I guess I just want to feel again like someone is willing to work and rearrange their schedule to be with me.
So, now I have this last cancelation. Excuse was illness. I now have to decide if I want to subject myself to more disappointment. But I guess I have to try. Ya have to gamble to win. Ya lose a lot of little hands to win that one big pot.