I have met a young lady and I think she and I are doing well. We have talked about going out on a date numerous times. It is getting to the point where I need to take her out or walk away.
Why am I nervous about asking her out?
Becasue it feels like I am cheating on someone who I have no chance of being with…….
Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless."
"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.
"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."
"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone." from Cervantes‘ Don Quixote - The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha
What if??? Oh such a dangerous game is the game of "What if?" To chase the unobtainable. To look back and see your mistakes and wonder what would have been if you had no made those mistakes. To see what could have been. To see sometimes what should have been. And sometimes to see what is never to be.
Why do I play the game? Why do I ask what if? Why do I still tilt at windmills?
Because one must dream. And because one must also learn from one’s mistakes.
It is amazing what you will do to be with someone you love and want to be with.
Update:
And sometimes you have to wonder WTF happened
June 6th, 1999. I met the woman that I thought would be my soul mate and life partner. June 6th, 2009 I had sudden cardiac arrest. Needed CPR and defibulation to be brought back. 10 years exactly to the day. Interesting coincidence?
What do you do when you need to lean on someone, but all the people you are supposed to turn to to lean on are 1) Not strong enough themselves to really deal with another’s serious issues 2) Too close to the situation that you are afaid of upseting them 3) Don’t know you as well as they think and if they found out the real you would no longer want to be close 4) Don’t know how much you TRULY TRULY love them and are afraid of them leaving if they found out the truth 5)Are part of the reason you need someone to lean on????
I consider myself an easy going guy. I am the one that reguardless of the situation can still manage to be lighthearted to help other people out. I was making jokes to help da Soon to be ex Missus out at our daughter’s funeral. I was making jokes in triage while having chest pains. Last thing I said to my dad before I coded was a smartass comment, joking about the situation.
After “waking up” in the emergency room, it was only minutes before my first wise crack came out. Of course, I did not realize completely what had happened yet. My hospitol visits have been a blast cuz I have all new stories to tell a captive audience.
Well, now, I have no jokes. I feel fine, ready to wrestle bears. A 20+ smoking habit-gone. Cold turkey. 3 days, no cravings even. Caffenine? Not a drop in same time period. And this is from a 2 pot of coffee a day man PLUS a 54 to 80 oz od Dr Pepper on tip of that.
But even with that, I just found out no driving for a week AT LEAST. No lifting of 15 lbs or more for A MONTH. No work for possible up to 8 FUCKING WEEKS. This is NOT a physical job. And now, one of the few palces I can find accomplishment has been taken from me.
The best part? I need to vent. I need to yell. I need to curse and scream and punch things. And I cannot. Because this is one of those that I need to have my little temper tantrum WITH and audience. And no one will let me. I love them all but everyone will be so fucking worried about my heart, that no one will yell back. No one will tell me when enough is enough. They will either try to shush me down and not let it get out, or be so afraid of saying anything it will be worthless.
So, D.A.D. Physically is doing ok. Doing amazingly well for someone who coded out saturday morning. Mentally and emotionally, D.A.D. has had a really shitty downturn this AM.
Well, nurses, docs, familty and visitors are about to arrive. Time to put my mask back on and continue the happy face lies!!!! Because, with most of my family and friends , god forbid I ever get upset or angry or have negative emotions. And that was BEFORE all this BS. I mean it was my “anger” that destroyed my first marrigage. Who knows what will happen if I show emotion again?
Currently in hospitol. Had heart attack. Will be blogging again very soon. Will start blogging again VERY regularly. Yes, I knwo I have said that before, but a short brush with death changes things.
I had a really self service sappy piece of shit blog post about this being the 10 year anniversary of first time da soon to be ex Missus and I got together, but I got and will have better thins to write about
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