Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done
October 22, 2009
January 12, 2008
No, really, I had a good week….
Overall, I had a really good week, all thing considering. I still have lots of issues.I am going to go into them in length below, but be warned….My brain ain’t right.
(more…)January 6, 2008
Today…..Today was a good day.
I cannot say that I am better. I am a hell of a lot smarter than that. I know the last couple of post were a bit on the negative side.
Am I better? No
Do anything spectacularly wonderful happen today to put me in a better mood? No
But today was a good day. I am realizing a number of different things.
- I have a problem
- I have a problem that I need to get help for
- I have a partner that is not going to dump me when I am getting/needing help
I figure these things may be the beginning steps of pulling out. I know we all have upswings and downswings. We all have good days and bad days. But today, when something happened that I did not like, I did not feel out of control. I did not feel like the world was ending. I did not feel like I was worthless.
And that is where I have been. Work tells me that I am needed on a different project? I knew that I was about to be fired. Wife walked by and ignored when I blew her a kiss? Well, the marriage is over. I tell my kids to do something / quit doing something and they ignored me? Well, I am the worst parent in the world and I am turning them into Jeffrey Dahmer/Hanoi Hannah.
This is what depression can do. The brain just does not seem to work right.
But that is not what this is about. This is about today being a good day. Let us all hope for more of these until I can get the help I need.
December 15, 2007
Depression
Wiktionary defines depression as (AMONG OTHERS):
- a state of mind producing serious, long-term lowering of enjoyment of life or inability to visualize a happy future
- a period of unhappiness or low morale which lasts longer than several weeks and may include ideation of self-inflicted injury or suicide
So how does one know they are depressed? Am I depressed? Are you? Is this the normal state of ups and downs? When are suicidal thoughts normal? Doesn’t everyone want to run away once in a while? Where do we go from here?
da Missus suffers from depression. My sister does also. They are both on medications for it. In the last year, I have been so depressed that it led to an anger outburst where I ended up breaking my hand. I have in the last year felt so worthless that I have thought frequently about ending it all. I have thought about divorce. I have thought about murder. (No, I was not SERIOUSLY contemplating it, just a random thought that popped into my head that would not leave. Damn ADD) I have thought about running away from everyone I knew. I have thought about killing myself. I spent a good portion of the year angry. I spent a short time at work doing basically nothing.
This last year, I went from being a manager full time for the first time to losing the same position. I was basically told at work, that I was not good enough to keep full time, but was still good enough to keep around as they felt like using me in the same position. I thought that my wife was leaving me. I decided that my children did not give a damn about me. One of my best friends and I could not really talk any more, while another friend and I quit speaking al together due to a fight we had.
But, when does one go get help? When does one realize that their coping mechanisms are not enough? When does counseling need to stop and medication need to start? How does one know? When does one realize that these thought are not normal? Are they normal?
I need help on this one. While even though many of the things have turned around, I still feel that I am in a funk and cannot pull out. I hide it better than I used to, but I do not know how long I can keep it down. No, I will not ever act on the thoughts of destruction that go through my head, but I also do not want the underlying anger to rise. I do feel I need some help. My sessions with a councilor did zilch. I tried, it failed.
Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe it is the fact that another birthday is coming up. Maybe it is the fact that I have no motorcycle. I know I need to talk to somone about this, but since it is my problem I do not want to sound like a whiney-butt or burden anyone with my problems.
Things ARE going well though. On the home front, things are great. Da Missus and I are getting along better than we have in a long time. The sex life is slowly picking back up. I have a feeling that I may end up getting picked back up at work for management anyway, but there are no guarantees. But I cannot shake the funk that I am in. I need to decide on something and decide soon.
July 5, 2007
Turning the Corner.
Maybe I was a bit harsh. Maybe I was a bit premature. Maybe things will work out. Da Missus and I have been able to talk. We are still communicating. We are making progress. Are the problems all fixed? Of course not. Will the same problems resurface? Sure they will. Will we be able to work through them? I am not sure. But I think so. And I want them to work out. However, the most important thing about all of this is I am no longer rolling over and playing dead. I am fighting back. It was easier when I played dead. There was less fighting. There was less confrontation. However, in so many ways I was miserable. And so was she, I think On another note, but still related, it has now been over a week since we have had sex. What is worse, I cannot say when the last true real love making session was. I know when it was for me and I hope it was the same time for her, but I cannot say. And I hope all of my readers understand the difference. There is love making. There is fucking. There are many levels between. And as embarrassed as I am to admit this, for me our last time for me was a fuck. This is a bit of a dry spell for us. Especially seeing how highly driven we usually are. Yes I miss it. Yes, it is a disappointment when it does not happen. Yes, I am hoping for tonight (and in the morning, and maybe once before I go to work.) But I am slow gaining a new thing for me. I am developing my confidence in ME again. If she says “no”, I will no longer take it as an attack against me. I am getting back to the point that when I do get rejected, by her or by any one, I am taking it more as the other person’s loss instead of a rejection of me. This is who I used to be. I lost that person, and can honestly say I do not like a lot of the changes I have made. While I know this sounds arrogant, I do not care. I am going to start living life for me. I will be a long trip back, but the person I have become disgusts me in many ways. I broke. I lost who I was. I became a person so wrapped up in her opinions, her moods, her needs and her wants, I was no longer my own person. All I cared about was her happiness. That is all. And as I type this, I realize that that was the problem the whole time. Since day one. I think it is in many reasons I continued to look around. I think it is the reason I continued to whore it up in chat rooms. It might even be the reason I had my affair. I was not seeing the result I wanted for my actions with my partner for all the work I was doing to make them happy. And this is not just this relationship. I am slowly seeing a pattern that may have destroyed other relationships. Since all the work I was putting forth was not getting the response I was wanting, I started some form or another of destructive behavior. And regardless of what I do or do not do, there will be times when the other partner is not going to be happy. And what destroys the most about a lot of this, is that da Missus never asked for this. She never demanded this or wanted me to do this. This was completely of my own volition. Sure, there were times that I did it thinking that it was the only thing that would save our marriage. And, there are part of my breaking I am sure she has enjoyed, but I know now, this is not what she wanted of me. Do not misunderstand me. I still care about her happiness. I still want her to be happy. I will still do whatever I can to make her happy. But my happiness will no longer be at stake. My self-worth will be judged on so much more than that. I am even writing this not knowing if she still reads my blog, or even caring. I will be writing from the heart. I will be writing for me. I may say things that upset her; hell, for that matter, I may start saying things that piss EVERYONE off. But I will be doing this for me. I will start doing a lot of things for me. Damn…..This blog thing CAN be cathartic. Not everything is fixed in me. It was a very long journey to this point, and will be an even longer journey to where I wan t to be, but I am back on the right track. Who wants to join me for the ride???
I cannot and will not let anyone else’s happiness define me.
May 21, 2007
Still Alive
I am still here. I have been overwhelmed by a lot of things at both home and work. I was just about in a place where I was ready to blog again, and my computer dies.
Too many things going on right now. I am not sure how much I want to post to everyone. I do not like passwording.
Lots of turmoil, upheaval and unrest. Maybe some day soon……
April 19, 2007
Speed Freak for a Week
Last Thursday I started the meds. I took them Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. I have not taken them this week.
All of my research talks about anger explosions. I have discovered better anger management while taking them.
I will be returning to taking them.
Da Missus and I got into a huge fight today, and while, I do believe all of my points were valid, I was horrid in the delivery. I just hope I have not destroyed the marriage in the mean time.
Luckily, I did find out some things I did not know and will have to decipher how I feel about them.
Of course, it may not matter……
April 16, 2007
Speed Freak … Day 5
I woke up this morning and remembered that I had promised to make a peach cobbler at work. So I began the process…
- Empty the dishwasher…….This should have been done already
- Load the dishwasher…… Cast keeps getting in way, too many dishes…Frustration growing
- da Twins start circling …. Underfoot… In the way…. GGGrrrrrrrr
- Start getting supplies out for cobbler …… da Boy asking 974,346,367,363,121,888 questions about everything we are doing. He is my cooking helper. Head throbbing. Try and explain all.
- Build and make cobbler….. Both of da Twins are now helping. Ever try and cook with two 4 yr olds "helping”???
- Bake cobbler … Read email … Continue to answer da boys 333,836,213,585,166 questions.
- Remove cobbler…..Looks awesome!!!!!!
Observations of process…
- Frustration level got rather high. Flares of anger never appeared. Did I raise my voice? Yes. Did I yell at da Twins??? Yes. Do I like either of those things?? NO. But, hey, this is ADD medication, not the Hand of God. Never once did I get the feel of loss of control or needing away.
- Kitchen still cleaner now than it was before I started. A first in my cooking endeavors.
- Putting together the cobbler was easier than it has ever been. No new steps showed up in the recipe. No ingredients got doubled or left out. All steps stayed in order.
Interesting. Now, the stuff that I am on is an "Extended Release" dosage and I am at the very end of the medicine cycle. I have not taken it today, and am still on the tail end of yesterday’s dosage.
The thing that has me the most intrigued is the anger management side of this. With all my research I cannot find anything that discusses that an affect or side affect. Maybe without all the internal noise, I can use more brain power to keep cool. Maybe the noise had gotten so loud that everything was being used to organize it and nothing is left over to keep control.
Further observation is needed on that one.
Next couple of days will tell me the most. I will be working almost 12 hour days, each day in the most difficult environment.
April 15, 2007
Medical Warning …
Continue taking SuperSpeed Pill and talk to your doctor if you have any of these less serious side effects:
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BLAH
-
BLAH
-
Yada
-
Yada
-
Yada; or
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loss of interest in sex (Has not Happened), impotence (Not Sure about, have not been put to the Test), or difficulty having an orgasm (da Missus is hoping for. Long Lasting, and great taste??).
Speed Freak … Day 4
So, I have been on the juice for 3 of the last 4 days… What have we learned??
- I have not noticed that I am not getting much more of my work done at the job yet. I know that I am still in an adjustment period, and trying to deal with the sickening silence, but I also may find out that there is just too much to do.
- I always joke that ADD was not really a problem. My quote was always, "You call it ADD, I call it mental multi-tasking." Until I started taking this medicine, I never realized how many things I was doing at once. A little here; a little there. While I feel I have lost a lot of the ability do to as many things at once, I am actually starting one project and finishing the same project before working on something else. Very odd concept for me.
- I understand a whole new concept of mental fatigue. In the past, with the brain pan jumping from this to that to the other, I would never work on one thing for so long that I would get tired of it. My brain, jumping here there and yon, always provided mental breaks to clear my head. The mental tired in the past came from getting and staying focused, and now it comes from focusing too much on one thing.
- I feel that I have lost some of spontaneity that I have had in the past. With all of the things that were randomly firing in my head, craziness and creativity resulted. That is missed. I know it is still there. Maybe once I adjust (if I adjust) to the fact that everything is not going on at once, I can re-tap into those things.
- HOLY SHIT I AM NUCKING FUTZ OFF THE SHIT!!! Notice I said "3 of 4" days at the top? Well I forgot my hit yesterday. And by that evening, I saw results. I was trying to clean the kitchen, while cooking, while chatting online, while talking to my wife, while playing with the kids, while organize my next week’s schedule all at the same time. Due to the fact I have seen things that I had never seen before, one part of me realized how insane that was. But it also felt natural. Why??? Because that is what I have done for 35 years. 97 things at one time, but few of them done well.
- I am seeing so many of the coping mechanisms that I have consciously and subconsciously developed over the years. For example, due to the fact I could never focus long enough internally on directions or instructions, I have always excellent at skimming and then improvising. I hope to keep the ability to fly by the seat of my pants, but now also have the ability to actually see how things are supposed to be done.
I see good things and bad things with this stuff. And I do realize that I am still in an adjustment period. If I stay on my crack, I will have to unlearn a lot of things that were, to me, survival skills. My coping mechanisms that I used to stay focused in the past; I find myself still doing them, but they are a distraction. I now know what it means to concentrate. I never realized that I had never concentrated on one thing before. EVER.
However, I feel that by gaining the ability to concentrate and focus has cost me my creativity and spontaneity.
Is it worth it??? We shall see.
P.S. I had to re do 80% of this post due to the fact I screwed up and deleted the original. I know damn good and well that 5 days ago, I would have cursed at the computer and never redone the post. Now I curse and it got finished. But I feel that this one is not as good.
