Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Da Missus and I have been able to talk. We are still communicating. We are making progress.

Are the problems all fixed? Of course not. Will the same problems resurface? Sure they will.

Will we be able to work through them? I am not sure. But I think so. And I want them to work out.

However, the most important thing about all of this is I am no longer rolling over and playing dead. I am fighting back.

It was easier when I played dead. There was less fighting. There was less confrontation. However, in so many ways I was miserable. And so was she, I think

On another note, but still related, it has now been over a week since we have had sex. What is worse, I cannot say when the last true real love making session was. I know when it was for me and I hope it was the same time for her, but I cannot say. And I hope all of my readers understand the difference. There is love making. There is fucking. There are many levels between. And as embarrassed as I am to admit this, for me our last time for me was a fuck.

This is a bit of a dry spell for us. Especially seeing how highly driven we usually are.

Yes I miss it. Yes, it is a disappointment when it does not happen. Yes, I am hoping for tonight (and in the morning, and maybe once before I go to work.) But I am slow gaining a new thing for me.

I am developing my confidence in ME again. If she says “no”, I will no longer take it as an attack against me.  I am getting back to the point that when I do get rejected, by her or by any one,  I am taking it more as the other person’s loss instead of a rejection of me. This is who I used to be. I lost that person, and can honestly say I do not like a lot of the changes I have made. While I know this sounds arrogant, I do not care. I am going to start living life for me. I will be a long trip back, but the person I have become disgusts me in many ways.

I broke. I lost who I was. I became a person so wrapped up in her opinions, her moods, her needs and her wants, I was no longer my own person. All I cared about was her happiness. That is all. And as I type this, I realize that that was the problem the whole time. Since day one. I think it is in many reasons I continued to look around. I think it is the reason I continued to whore it up in chat rooms. It might even be the reason I had my affair. I was not seeing the result I wanted for my actions with my partner for all the work I was doing to make them happy. And this is not just this relationship. I am slowly seeing a pattern that may have destroyed other relationships. Since all the work I was putting forth was not getting the response I was wanting, I started some form or another of destructive behavior. And regardless of what I do or do not do, there will be times when the other partner is not going to be happy.

And what destroys the most about a lot of this, is that da Missus never asked for this. She never demanded this or wanted me to do this. This was completely of my own volition. Sure, there were times that I did it thinking that it was the only thing that would save our marriage. And, there are part of my breaking I am sure she has enjoyed, but I know now, this is not what she wanted of me.
 
I cannot and will not let anyone else’s happiness define me.

Do not misunderstand me. I still care about her happiness. I still want her to be happy. I will still do whatever I can to make her happy. But my happiness will no longer be at stake. My self-worth will be judged on so much more than that. I am even writing this not knowing if she still reads my blog, or even caring. I will be writing from the heart. I will be writing for me. I may say things that upset her; hell, for that matter, I may start saying things that piss EVERYONE off. But I will be doing this for me. I will start doing a lot of things for me.

Damn…..This blog thing CAN be cathartic.

Not everything is fixed in me. It was a very long journey to this point, and will be an even longer journey to where I wan t to be, but I am back on the right track.

Who wants to join me for the ride???