Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

It has not been a good week for me.

It has been an awesome weekend.

It has been a horrible weekend.

And the best part, damnable part of it all … it is all my owning freaking fracking fault.

I can’t talk. I won’t talk. I don’t want anyone to hurt, and by my silence,  I maybe doing more damage than is imagined. 

I live my life with the attitude that my problems are exactly that…my problems. 

I dont want anyone else to be brought down by everything that I have and my issues.

The fun part about this attitude, is that I hold no one but myself to this standard. And if I heard it from anyone else, I would tell them that they are making a big mistake. I have reasons for this attitude that one day I will delve into. But tonight. Tonight is about that lovely friend insomnia that has broken back in.

I try so hard not to hurt anyone; everyone around me is in fear.  At work I put on my mask and  grind on through. Work issues cannot be talk about at work due to the political structure. Who is friends with who still rules. Go to the right church, join the right club…..Stab the right back, drop the correct rumour…..POWER AND PROMOTION. Very few know how I feel at work. And even fewer know my personal life.

Well, enough of my whining. Time to replace the shields build the walls and realign my mask. There is a world to perform for….Let’s not  let reality get in the way.

I hate this. I am trying so hard to break out. I do not want to be like this.

*SIGH*

Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done

Sometimes, everything just seems to come together.

da Missus is soon to officially be the ex-missus. Paperwork w/ the courts to make it official. It still hurts. It may always have a twinge of pain, but progress is being made. Everything is amicable. No real issues, judge just has to sign it.

Work is still a pain. I still get frustrated at many of the people who I see get promoted, and even more frustrated at many I see in higher jobs, but I am not letting it get to me. I keep fighting. And I am also now starting to make it well know to those above that I need more duties, and more additional assignments. More work? Yes, but more of a chance of being noticed.

da Twinsies are growing mentally and physically almost as I blink. They make me laugh all day. So much energy. So much fun. So much EVERYTHING.

And then there is my new girlfriend. Wow. I mean damn. I mean there is just so much it is almost overwhelming. She is in my mind all the time. It is frightening. She and I have know each other forever. But this has been the first time we have tried to be an "us". There was always someone or something or whatever in the way. But now, we are giving it a try. And yes, I can say it…. I am in love ! ! ! ! ! ! Guess that is all for now, updates to come

I am sort of seeing someone. It is hard to define since we have know each other for a long time. However, in the last week things have gone a different direction.

So now what do I do? This is serious.

Do I tell the ex? Seeing how da Twinsies will be seeing al ot of her probably it might be prudent.

What do I say the kids? Is she my Friend? Girlfriend? Lover?

And I cannot even figure how to deal with her side of the family……..

Uncharted territory for me……

Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless."

"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.

"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."

"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone." from Cervantes‘ Don Quixote -  The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha

What if??? Oh such a dangerous game is the game of "What if?" To chase the unobtainable. To look back and see your mistakes and wonder what would have been if you had no made those mistakes. To see what could have been. To see sometimes what should have been. And sometimes to see what is never to be. 

Why do I play the game? Why do I ask what if? Why do I still tilt at windmills? 

Because one must dream. And because one must also learn from one’s mistakes.

June 6th, 1999. I met the woman that I thought would be my soul mate and life partner. June 6th, 2009 I had sudden cardiac arrest. Needed CPR and defibulation to be brought back. 10 years exactly to the day. Interesting coincidence?

Right now, I am really in the dumps, which is funny because just friday I was flying high.
I asked someone new out on a date. This was a real first date. In many ways, for how I felt, this was the first “first date” I have had in almost 10 years.
Yeah, I have had a few semi dates, but they were more drinks with a friend after work. With that young lady, when I tried something that wasn’t right after work, she said yes, but then something came up. There was another lady I went out was sort of seeing, but with her, I had dated her before and it was made quite clear that there was no future.
There was another lady from work who I asked out three seperate times. Three seperate acceptances. Three seperate cancelings. And now this weekend. Saturday postponed until sunday, and then sunday canceled.
So there we are. In less than a year period, I have asked out three seperate ladies out on dates. All have accepted, but then canceled. Great for the old ego.
This new one was very apologetic, and made it clear she wanted to try again, but right now, I am not sure I can take it, confidencewise. I do know things come up. I do know people have lives and people get sick and whatever but …
After a time, it starts to ring hollow and sound like bullshit. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I have serious trust issues and just feel like I am being set up. But right now, I would really like someone FEMALE who would like to spend time with me. Someone to flirt with. Someone to make passes at. Someone to generate possible sexual tension.
Some female who may, just may, want me for me. It has been a long long damn time where I have felt truly wanted. Not wanted due to a lack of options. Not wanted due to no way out. But truly, truly wanted. I realize now, that da Missus lost that feeling long, LONG time before we seperated. Long time before she ever met her current boyfriend. Probably long time before I even had a clue it had happened.
And maybe, just maybe that is why this hurts so badly. During da Missus and my final days we had an “open relationship”. Well, due to many things she started spending more and more time away. I kept getting from her, “I’ll be back @ XXX”. And then XXX would come and go…and then she would be an hour late. Or hours late. Or even days late. It made me realize (much later) exactly where I stood with her and where our relationship was headed. And now these people saying yes they would love to go out to dinner with me, and then canceling….well, I guess I just want to feel again like someone is willing to work and rearrange their schedule to be with me.
So, now I have this last cancelation. Excuse was illness. I now have to decide if I want to subject myself to more disappointment. But I guess I have to try. Ya have to gamble to win. Ya lose a lot of little hands to win that one big pot.

I am sitting @ my parent’s church’s parish hall. I see where they are putting together the picture phone directory. There is a picture of da Missus, myself, and da Twinsies. A picture of a life gone.

Soon I will be walking into Mass. Walking by the niche that holds the remains of the daughter we had who past away.

I will be sitting in mass alone in a crowded church.

I will be…

Content

Yeah, she hurt me worse than anyone ever has, and I do not feel like I will ever recover. I know that I will. I know time heals all wounds bullshit.

 What really really hurts, is even with the pain and hurt and everything that I have gone through in the past with other relationships, what hurts most is the fact that I have lost the following

1) Trust

2) Faith in others

3) Belief in happily ever after

The loss of those things hurt me the most.

It has finally sunk in(Stop me when you have heard this before). My marriage is over. She is not coming back anytime soon, and possibly not ever. She has left and has my 2 kids with a man who i do not see as 10% the father I am.

She admits that what she did to ne is wrong, and still love me and all that bullshit, but cannot get over my past mistakes. Some real; some imagined. So I am learning to live life alone.

I have learned a lot. 

1) Don’t trust anyone

2) Don’t depend on anyone

3) Don’t ever let go of your heart

4) Nothing is forever

I find it hilarious that she wrote this long wonderful post on my birthday in 2006 saying how wonderful and awesome and all this shit. 6 months later, she has a new boyfriend. Yes we were in an open relationship, but she had already checked out. And not even 18 months after that, I tell her if the open relationship BS was going to work, she had to come home, or the marriage was over. She chose the latter. Notice I didn’t eve say she had to leave her BF. Well, enough of that.

 Now I do things my way. And I have told her how things are going to be changing, because even though she walked out on me, in so many damn ways she still relied on me, depended on me and seemed to need me. That is now over.

I will always be there for the kids, do not get me wrong there, but until he is gone, I will not and cannot be there for her. I hope she can handle what all that means.

More to follow