Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done

Sometimes, everything just seems to come together.

da Missus is soon to officially be the ex-missus. Paperwork w/ the courts to make it official. It still hurts. It may always have a twinge of pain, but progress is being made. Everything is amicable. No real issues, judge just has to sign it.

Work is still a pain. I still get frustrated at many of the people who I see get promoted, and even more frustrated at many I see in higher jobs, but I am not letting it get to me. I keep fighting. And I am also now starting to make it well know to those above that I need more duties, and more additional assignments. More work? Yes, but more of a chance of being noticed.

da Twinsies are growing mentally and physically almost as I blink. They make me laugh all day. So much energy. So much fun. So much EVERYTHING.

And then there is my new girlfriend. Wow. I mean damn. I mean there is just so much it is almost overwhelming. She is in my mind all the time. It is frightening. She and I have know each other forever. But this has been the first time we have tried to be an "us". There was always someone or something or whatever in the way. But now, we are giving it a try. And yes, I can say it…. I am in love ! ! ! ! ! ! Guess that is all for now, updates to come

I am sort of seeing someone. It is hard to define since we have know each other for a long time. However, in the last week things have gone a different direction.

So now what do I do? This is serious.

Do I tell the ex? Seeing how da Twinsies will be seeing al ot of her probably it might be prudent.

What do I say the kids? Is she my Friend? Girlfriend? Lover?

And I cannot even figure how to deal with her side of the family……..

Uncharted territory for me……

Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless."

"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.

"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."

"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone." from Cervantes‘ Don Quixote -  The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha

What if??? Oh such a dangerous game is the game of "What if?" To chase the unobtainable. To look back and see your mistakes and wonder what would have been if you had no made those mistakes. To see what could have been. To see sometimes what should have been. And sometimes to see what is never to be. 

Why do I play the game? Why do I ask what if? Why do I still tilt at windmills? 

Because one must dream. And because one must also learn from one’s mistakes.

No real reason for this post, but I felt a need to write …

— I had a date this weekend. I think it went well. Ended a bit oddly. Broke the “three day rule” and asked her out again the next day. Got a maybe. Hope it happens, if not, life will go on.
— I had my kids this last weekend. Everytime I see them they continue to amaze me. I cannot say how much I miss them.
— I had a dream last night. It took place in first person. Twas rather odd. I was chasing or looking for something or someone. Twas very important. Everytime I came to what I thought was my objective something happened. I was in a panic about not finding my goal, but I kept laughing at the obstacles.
— There is another lady who I think there is possible interet. Well, let me rephrase that, I have interest, and now I think she might also. Minor problem, she is married. I know better. I have screwed up and seriously fallen for someone who taken in the past. I still hurt on that one. Luckily, I still have a great friend. I may have interest, I am learning to behave. But with this new one…well, I don’t know. I am sure some out there will say I am going to hell for chasing married people, I am working on it. It is hard for me not to follow where my heart goes.
— Ended up asking someone out for drinks. Was for a night that I had already asked someone else out and was still awaiting an answer. Luckily one of the dates couldn’t make it. I am just glad I am showing balls again.
— I realized that I need to work on my “blind date” technique. Tis been a long damn time since I went out on a first date. Even longer for a real old style blind date.

More to come

I am sitting @ my parent’s church’s parish hall. I see where they are putting together the picture phone directory. There is a picture of da Missus, myself, and da Twinsies. A picture of a life gone.

Soon I will be walking into Mass. Walking by the niche that holds the remains of the daughter we had who past away.

I will be sitting in mass alone in a crowded church.

I will be…

Content

Noises in the background, children laughing, yellling, playing. Suddenly a sharp cry from the girl. A Moment of silences. da Girl starts crying. da Boy is yelling "I’m Sorry……I’m Sorry." I hear the sound of little feet running from the back of the house….

I use the phrases "da Boy" and "da Girl" in place of their real Names….

da Girl:    Daddy…..da Boy hurt me……He hurt me…

D.A.D.:    What happened???

da Girl:    He hurt me…..He hurt me

D.A.D:    da Boy……Come here

Sound of feet running from back of the house……."I’m Sorry Daddy; I’m Sorry da Girl"

D.A.D.    da Boy…..What happened???

da Boy:  Well, we were playing Ninja Turtle and I may have hit her…..

D.A.D.    May have????

da Boy:   Well, I did hit her, but I did not mean to hurt her. But we were playing Ninja Turtles…

D.A.D.    OK……All right. da Girl….What happened?????

da Girl:   He hurt me…….da Boy Hurt me.

D.A.D.    OK….I got that. Now are you hurt, hurt like owie Ouch hurt? Or are you hurt to get da Boy in Trouble?

da Girl (Tears gone now) :I hurt so da Boy would get in trouble……….

D.A.D……….GO AWAY