No this is NOT happening in my life. I justwant everyone’s thoughts…..
What is worse? Your partner / boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse dating some one exclusive behind your back for an extended period of time, or your partner / boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse having numberous one night stands in the same period of time??????
Maybe I was a bit harsh. Maybe I was a bit premature. Maybe things will work out. Da Missus and I have been able to talk. We are still communicating. We are making progress. Are the problems all fixed? Of course not. Will the same problems resurface? Sure they will. Will we be able to work through them? I am not sure. But I think so. And I want them to work out. However, the most important thing about all of this is I am no longer rolling over and playing dead. I am fighting back. It was easier when I played dead. There was less fighting. There was less confrontation. However, in so many ways I was miserable. And so was she, I think On another note, but still related, it has now been over a week since we have had sex. What is worse, I cannot say when the last true real love making session was. I know when it was for me and I hope it was the same time for her, but I cannot say. And I hope all of my readers understand the difference. There is love making. There is fucking. There are many levels between. And as embarrassed as I am to admit this, for me our last time for me was a fuck. This is a bit of a dry spell for us. Especially seeing how highly driven we usually are. Yes I miss it. Yes, it is a disappointment when it does not happen. Yes, I am hoping for tonight (and in the morning, and maybe once before I go to work.) But I am slow gaining a new thing for me. I am developing my confidence in ME again. If she says “no”, I will no longer take it as an attack against me. I am getting back to the point that when I do get rejected, by her or by any one, I am taking it more as the other person’s loss instead of a rejection of me. This is who I used to be. I lost that person, and can honestly say I do not like a lot of the changes I have made. While I know this sounds arrogant, I do not care. I am going to start living life for me. I will be a long trip back, but the person I have become disgusts me in many ways. I broke. I lost who I was. I became a person so wrapped up in her opinions, her moods, her needs and her wants, I was no longer my own person. All I cared about was her happiness. That is all. And as I type this, I realize that that was the problem the whole time. Since day one. I think it is in many reasons I continued to look around. I think it is the reason I continued to whore it up in chat rooms. It might even be the reason I had my affair. I was not seeing the result I wanted for my actions with my partner for all the work I was doing to make them happy. And this is not just this relationship. I am slowly seeing a pattern that may have destroyed other relationships. Since all the work I was putting forth was not getting the response I was wanting, I started some form or another of destructive behavior. And regardless of what I do or do not do, there will be times when the other partner is not going to be happy. And what destroys the most about a lot of this, is that da Missus never asked for this. She never demanded this or wanted me to do this. This was completely of my own volition. Sure, there were times that I did it thinking that it was the only thing that would save our marriage. And, there are part of my breaking I am sure she has enjoyed, but I know now, this is not what she wanted of me. Do not misunderstand me. I still care about her happiness. I still want her to be happy. I will still do whatever I can to make her happy. But my happiness will no longer be at stake. My self-worth will be judged on so much more than that. I am even writing this not knowing if she still reads my blog, or even caring. I will be writing from the heart. I will be writing for me. I may say things that upset her; hell, for that matter, I may start saying things that piss EVERYONE off. But I will be doing this for me. I will start doing a lot of things for me. Damn…..This blog thing CAN be cathartic. Not everything is fixed in me. It was a very long journey to this point, and will be an even longer journey to where I wan t to be, but I am back on the right track. Who wants to join me for the ride???
I cannot and will not let anyone else’s happiness define me.
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You scored as Chains/Handcuffs, Your turn on is handcuffs and chains. You like being cuffed/chained to the bed, or cuffing/chaining your partner down. You love the pure ectasy of being in complete control… or letting someone else have complete control over you. Sex isn’t sex without control.
What’s Your Kinky Turn On? created with QuizFarm.com |
I am still here. I have been overwhelmed by a lot of things at both home and work. I was just about in a place where I was ready to blog again, and my computer dies.
Too many things going on right now. I am not sure how much I want to post to everyone. I do not like passwording.
Lots of turmoil, upheaval and unrest. Maybe some day soon……
I saw this aoround, but decided to play after da Missus interviewed Mia. I asked them both….
What was I thinking??????
The Rules: Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate/difficult! You WILL update your journal/blog/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don’t leave your answers in my comments unless you don’t have a blog). You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
First ….Questions from Mia
1. What’s your favorite thing about AmyElle? Wow, let’s start off with a tough one!!! There are so many things. I would have to start with her unabashed honsty. While that is also a problem (tact, my love. Use it for more than putting posters on the wall), it is also very refreshing.
2. What’s your favorite color? Blue. Royal, Or a Bright Blue
3. Who do you admire? 1) My Dad 2) da Missus 3) da Captain
4. Why do you blog? So many reasons. Personal Journal. Personal Journey. To get my thoughts out. To try and entertain.
5. Where is your favorite place on earth? Between Amyelle’s …. Umm. I guess I would have to say on the back of a motorcycle cruising some back country road.
And now….Questions from da Missus
1. Do you still consider the priesthood? Not at the moment
2. If so, how do you reconcile that with our lifestyle choices? I’m not sure I can. Which may be part of the reason I am notconsidering at the moment. If I do start looking into preisthood again, I think we will have to re-evaluate our lifestyle choices at that time.
3. If I could only have one constant male lover ***Edited***out of the people in my life who would it be and why? ME, and do you really need me to answer the second part?????
3. If I could only have one constant male lover, beside D.A.D., out of the people in my life who would it be and why? ME, and do you really need me to answer the second part????? Ummm. I do not beleive I have met the right person for you yet
4. If we divorced or I died, would you ever remarry? Would you ever have more children? I don’t think so. and ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE?? YOU WIMP!!! YOU DIE AND LEAVE ME WITH THEM BOTH AND ASK IF I WANT MORE??????
5. A woman that puts out daily, who can’t stand sports or hunting, or a woman that puts out only a few times a month, that loves the same interests? I would probably take the few times a month. Especially if she really like to camp. Remember, daily means every single day without exception. And a few times a month is almost once a week.
I reserve the right to change any of these answers, depending on my mood and how much trouble I get into.
All questions must stay in their original form…. Ignore the man behind the curtain … I mean the comments sections
I have the coolest wife in the whole wide world. She decide to make me stay home today because she "could not handle her migraine"
A&M IS PLAYING IN MARCH MADNESS TONIGHT!!!!!
She is bed asleep.
GAME TIME BABY!!!!!
Don’t you wish you were me???
ADD UP YOUR FINE (If I did once, One fine. If I Did it 100 times, STILL ONLY 1 FINE)
MY FINE = $845
Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican — $20
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $5
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25
Feel free to re-post with your own dollar amount
Problem…….There are lots of them
Solutions…..Alcohol
Thank you for your Time
That is all
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