Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

It has not been a good week for me.

It has been an awesome weekend.

It has been a horrible weekend.

And the best part, damnable part of it all … it is all my owning freaking fracking fault.

I can’t talk. I won’t talk. I don’t want anyone to hurt, and by my silence,  I maybe doing more damage than is imagined. 

I live my life with the attitude that my problems are exactly that…my problems. 

I dont want anyone else to be brought down by everything that I have and my issues.

The fun part about this attitude, is that I hold no one but myself to this standard. And if I heard it from anyone else, I would tell them that they are making a big mistake. I have reasons for this attitude that one day I will delve into. But tonight. Tonight is about that lovely friend insomnia that has broken back in.

I try so hard not to hurt anyone; everyone around me is in fear.  At work I put on my mask and  grind on through. Work issues cannot be talk about at work due to the political structure. Who is friends with who still rules. Go to the right church, join the right club…..Stab the right back, drop the correct rumour…..POWER AND PROMOTION. Very few know how I feel at work. And even fewer know my personal life.

Well, enough of my whining. Time to replace the shields build the walls and realign my mask. There is a world to perform for….Let’s not  let reality get in the way.

I hate this. I am trying so hard to break out. I do not want to be like this.

*SIGH*

Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done

Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless."

"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.

"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."

"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone." from Cervantes‘ Don Quixote -  The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha

What if??? Oh such a dangerous game is the game of "What if?" To chase the unobtainable. To look back and see your mistakes and wonder what would have been if you had no made those mistakes. To see what could have been. To see sometimes what should have been. And sometimes to see what is never to be. 

Why do I play the game? Why do I ask what if? Why do I still tilt at windmills? 

Because one must dream. And because one must also learn from one’s mistakes.

I am sitting @ my parent’s church’s parish hall. I see where they are putting together the picture phone directory. There is a picture of da Missus, myself, and da Twinsies. A picture of a life gone.

Soon I will be walking into Mass. Walking by the niche that holds the remains of the daughter we had who past away.

I will be sitting in mass alone in a crowded church.

I will be…

Content

I guess it has taken me a long time to really figure out what a real friend is. I look back over my early childhood, and realize that I had a number of "friends", but they were there only for me when things were good for all of us. When it was more advantageous for them not to be my friend, or when we got into a fight, their friendship was gone.

Funny, that. I truly believe that somewhere as a kid, someone who was very close to me stated "you’re not my friend anymore" and it hurt me. Hurt me worse than I realized. And it was not until recently that I figured this out.

However, this is not a "poor D.A.D" post. Nothing of the sort. This post is a victory post. This post is about a major miraculous turn around that has taken place. What happened to turn me around? I have really no idea. All I know is that I see things in a whole new light.

I think a lot of what happened had to do with this last weekend. I left town to go visit a friend. Twas a bit of a drive, but more importantly, it was spur of the moment. It was impromptu. It was totally uncalled for and liberating.

I did not worry about what "XYZ" would think. "XYZ" is no certain person, but a group of voices and people whose opinions I hold dear. Some of these people are not even in my life anymore.  I finally realized that my perception of what certain people would think has been crippling me.

Will these people and voices still guide and direct me? Sure, they, to a point, are what I call “my conscience”. But what I have realized is that way to often, I let what I perceived these peoples opinions MIGHT be interfere with me living my life to the fullest.

And I am sure that I will do things that some of these people will not approve of. I am sure that from time to time I will make bad descisions and do stupid things. BUT….Right now, I feel that it is more important to live life and pay for consequences than slow rot away worrying about what someone else MIGHT think of me.

In the Play Julius Caesar by Shakespeare, Caesar states “Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once."

Another quote states "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ WOO HOO what a ride!" (I don’t know who said this one)

The key is that I was slowly dying. Rotting away wondering how my actions would affect what others thought of me. I was (am probably still will be for a while) worried about them losing their friendship. No more. I will still think about my actions of course. I will still see how my actions affect others. But I will no longer stop living worrying about what someone else will think about me or how it will affect our friendship.

My true friends love me, and will continue to love me. Sure, they will tell me when I do something stupid (as they should). But a true friend will continue to be a friend reguardless. I just now understand that.

I am going to live life. I am going to start doing all those things on my “I wanna do this someday list”.

Some day is NOW

REACH FOR THE SUN!!!!!!!!

What do you do when you find out that years ago, a very close friend told someone a secret? And because of that secret being reveal, your entire world slowly fell apart?

Would it matter that the friend was trying to do what was best????

Or is this too vague?????

Yeah, she hurt me worse than anyone ever has, and I do not feel like I will ever recover. I know that I will. I know time heals all wounds bullshit.

 What really really hurts, is even with the pain and hurt and everything that I have gone through in the past with other relationships, what hurts most is the fact that I have lost the following

1) Trust

2) Faith in others

3) Belief in happily ever after

The loss of those things hurt me the most.

It has finally sunk in(Stop me when you have heard this before). My marriage is over. She is not coming back anytime soon, and possibly not ever. She has left and has my 2 kids with a man who i do not see as 10% the father I am.

She admits that what she did to ne is wrong, and still love me and all that bullshit, but cannot get over my past mistakes. Some real; some imagined. So I am learning to live life alone.

I have learned a lot. 

1) Don’t trust anyone

2) Don’t depend on anyone

3) Don’t ever let go of your heart

4) Nothing is forever

I find it hilarious that she wrote this long wonderful post on my birthday in 2006 saying how wonderful and awesome and all this shit. 6 months later, she has a new boyfriend. Yes we were in an open relationship, but she had already checked out. And not even 18 months after that, I tell her if the open relationship BS was going to work, she had to come home, or the marriage was over. She chose the latter. Notice I didn’t eve say she had to leave her BF. Well, enough of that.

 Now I do things my way. And I have told her how things are going to be changing, because even though she walked out on me, in so many damn ways she still relied on me, depended on me and seemed to need me. That is now over.

I will always be there for the kids, do not get me wrong there, but until he is gone, I will not and cannot be there for her. I hope she can handle what all that means.

More to follow

I am in an incredibly boring class for the rest of the week. I will probably be posting frequently.

SO I went down to Austin as I said earlier with a friend of mine. It really did not go all to well. She was, to put it mildly, a bitch most of the weekend. So that was a bit of a turn off.

But the real problem that I had that kept hitting me at the weirdest times was the thought that kept piercing through my mind….

You are a married man…..You are not with your wife….This is WRONG!!!