Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done

So it has been a long time since I have blogged. Which I find funny, because I really have a lot to say. 93% of what I have to say is good. Do you, my loyal readers have what it takes to handle a happy D.A.D.?? A D.A.D. who is in a healthy steady wunnermous relationship???

Let’s find out!!!!!!!

One of the more exciting things that has happened in my life is a good old fashion, doctor diagnosised, version pf pneumonia. And let me tell that literally sucks the life breath out of you. It has been a bit exciting. One night, I am in that fun little stage where I am not asleep but not awake. I heard this little voice that said “You think that is funny; Watch this!!!!” I really did HEAR this voice.  

Hey, I always like humour. So I opened my eyes. But what I saw was just a wee bit out of place. I was looking DOWN on myself and seeing my girlfriend looking and yelling out my name. This was a very interesting perspective. That went on for about 30 seconds when I finally heard / felt/ did a soul shattering tear and breath. It felt as if it was almost my soul being pulled away. Next thing I new, I was back in bed, looking at my girlfriend and then talking to her.

Luckily, I do not believe I can have an out of body experience so I know that is not what it was. Who says denial is unhealthy??????

Enough of the whiney butt……

I really do plan to start blogging more. Great things have happened at work. More to follow!!!!!!!

Just then they came in sight of thirty or forty windmills that rise from that plain. And no sooner did Don Quixote see them that he said to his squire, "Fortune is guiding our affairs better than we ourselves could have wished. Do you see over yonder, friend Sancho, thirty or forty hulking giants? I intend to do battle with them and slay them. With their spoils we shall begin to be rich for this is a righteous war and the removal of so foul a brood from off the face of the earth is a service God will bless."

"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.

"Those you see over there," replied his master, "with their long arms. Some of them have arms well nigh two leagues in length."

"Take care, sir," cried Sancho. "Those over there are not giants but windmills. Those things that seem to be their arms are sails which, when they are whirled around by the wind, turn the millstone." from Cervantes‘ Don Quixote -  The Ingenious Knight of La Mancha

What if??? Oh such a dangerous game is the game of "What if?" To chase the unobtainable. To look back and see your mistakes and wonder what would have been if you had no made those mistakes. To see what could have been. To see sometimes what should have been. And sometimes to see what is never to be. 

Why do I play the game? Why do I ask what if? Why do I still tilt at windmills? 

Because one must dream. And because one must also learn from one’s mistakes.

It is amazing what you will do to be with someone you love and want to be with.

Update:

And sometimes  you have to wonder WTF happened

June 6th, 1999. I met the woman that I thought would be my soul mate and life partner. June 6th, 2009 I had sudden cardiac arrest. Needed CPR and defibulation to be brought back. 10 years exactly to the day. Interesting coincidence?

What do you do when you need to lean on someone, but all the people you are supposed to turn to to lean on are 1) Not strong enough themselves to really deal with another’s serious issues 2) Too close to the situation that you are afaid of upseting them 3) Don’t know you as well as they think and if they found out the real you would no longer want to be close 4) Don’t know how much you TRULY TRULY love them and are afraid of them leaving if they found out the truth 5)Are part of the reason you need someone to lean on????

I consider myself an easy going guy. I am the one that reguardless of the situation can still manage to be lighthearted to help other people out. I was making jokes to help da Soon to be ex Missus out at our daughter’s funeral. I was making jokes in triage while having chest pains. Last thing I said to my dad before I coded was a smartass comment, joking about the situation.
After “waking up” in the emergency room, it was only minutes before my first wise crack came out. Of course, I did not realize completely what had happened yet. My hospitol visits have been a blast cuz I have all new stories to tell a captive audience.

Well, now, I have no jokes. I feel fine, ready to wrestle bears. A 20+ smoking habit-gone. Cold turkey. 3 days, no cravings even. Caffenine? Not a drop in same time period. And this is from a 2 pot of coffee a day man PLUS a 54 to 80 oz od Dr Pepper on tip of that.

But even with that, I just found out no driving for a week AT LEAST. No lifting of 15 lbs or more for A MONTH. No work for possible up to 8 FUCKING WEEKS. This is NOT a physical job. And now, one of the few palces I can find accomplishment has been taken from me.

The best part? I need to vent. I need to yell. I need to curse and scream and punch things. And I cannot. Because this is one of those that I need to have my little temper tantrum WITH and audience. And no one will let me. I love them all but everyone will be so fucking worried about my heart, that no one will yell back. No one will tell me when enough is enough. They will either try to shush me down and not let it get out, or be so afraid of saying anything it will be worthless.

So, D.A.D. Physically is doing ok. Doing amazingly well for someone who coded out saturday morning. Mentally and emotionally, D.A.D. has had a really shitty downturn this AM.

Well, nurses, docs, familty and visitors are about to arrive. Time to put my mask back on and continue the happy face lies!!!! Because, with most of my family and friends , god forbid I ever get upset or angry or have negative emotions. And that was BEFORE all this BS. I mean it was my “anger” that destroyed my first marrigage. Who knows what will happen if I show emotion again?

No real reason for this post, but I felt a need to write …

— I had a date this weekend. I think it went well. Ended a bit oddly. Broke the “three day rule” and asked her out again the next day. Got a maybe. Hope it happens, if not, life will go on.
— I had my kids this last weekend. Everytime I see them they continue to amaze me. I cannot say how much I miss them.
— I had a dream last night. It took place in first person. Twas rather odd. I was chasing or looking for something or someone. Twas very important. Everytime I came to what I thought was my objective something happened. I was in a panic about not finding my goal, but I kept laughing at the obstacles.
— There is another lady who I think there is possible interet. Well, let me rephrase that, I have interest, and now I think she might also. Minor problem, she is married. I know better. I have screwed up and seriously fallen for someone who taken in the past. I still hurt on that one. Luckily, I still have a great friend. I may have interest, I am learning to behave. But with this new one…well, I don’t know. I am sure some out there will say I am going to hell for chasing married people, I am working on it. It is hard for me not to follow where my heart goes.
— Ended up asking someone out for drinks. Was for a night that I had already asked someone else out and was still awaiting an answer. Luckily one of the dates couldn’t make it. I am just glad I am showing balls again.
— I realized that I need to work on my “blind date” technique. Tis been a long damn time since I went out on a first date. Even longer for a real old style blind date.

More to come

I have three sets of very good friends who are all unhappy in their relatiosnships.
1) A friend at work whose spouse and he have just grown apart. She has interest in him only as a support system
2) A friend who I used to work with who mate just does not help out or appreciate her and everything she does.
3) A friend who’s husband totally smothers her, suspects everything she does, and has zero trust in her.
All are miserable. At least two feel trapped and just cannot see a way out or are afraid to try.
I wonder if they really realize what it is like to come home alone after they have all been together 10+ years.
I really love them all and want all of them to be happy and hope they can find a way to save what they have and find what they had.

Right now, I am really in the dumps, which is funny because just friday I was flying high.
I asked someone new out on a date. This was a real first date. In many ways, for how I felt, this was the first “first date” I have had in almost 10 years.
Yeah, I have had a few semi dates, but they were more drinks with a friend after work. With that young lady, when I tried something that wasn’t right after work, she said yes, but then something came up. There was another lady I went out was sort of seeing, but with her, I had dated her before and it was made quite clear that there was no future.
There was another lady from work who I asked out three seperate times. Three seperate acceptances. Three seperate cancelings. And now this weekend. Saturday postponed until sunday, and then sunday canceled.
So there we are. In less than a year period, I have asked out three seperate ladies out on dates. All have accepted, but then canceled. Great for the old ego.
This new one was very apologetic, and made it clear she wanted to try again, but right now, I am not sure I can take it, confidencewise. I do know things come up. I do know people have lives and people get sick and whatever but …
After a time, it starts to ring hollow and sound like bullshit. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I have serious trust issues and just feel like I am being set up. But right now, I would really like someone FEMALE who would like to spend time with me. Someone to flirt with. Someone to make passes at. Someone to generate possible sexual tension.
Some female who may, just may, want me for me. It has been a long long damn time where I have felt truly wanted. Not wanted due to a lack of options. Not wanted due to no way out. But truly, truly wanted. I realize now, that da Missus lost that feeling long, LONG time before we seperated. Long time before she ever met her current boyfriend. Probably long time before I even had a clue it had happened.
And maybe, just maybe that is why this hurts so badly. During da Missus and my final days we had an “open relationship”. Well, due to many things she started spending more and more time away. I kept getting from her, “I’ll be back @ XXX”. And then XXX would come and go…and then she would be an hour late. Or hours late. Or even days late. It made me realize (much later) exactly where I stood with her and where our relationship was headed. And now these people saying yes they would love to go out to dinner with me, and then canceling….well, I guess I just want to feel again like someone is willing to work and rearrange their schedule to be with me.
So, now I have this last cancelation. Excuse was illness. I now have to decide if I want to subject myself to more disappointment. But I guess I have to try. Ya have to gamble to win. Ya lose a lot of little hands to win that one big pot.