Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

da Missus is still mad at me.

 

She is mad at me for some things I did in the beginning of our relationship. (She moved to Dallas in July of 1999)

 

She is mad at me because apparently of how I treated her during our first pregnancy. (August 2000 until Feb of 2001) 

 

She is mad at me for how I acted when she was pregnant with da Twinsies. (Born January 2003)

 

She is mad at me for the R/L affair I had. (Affair was in March? of 2004. She found out in September of 2004)

 

She is still mad at me for many other things.

 

She is still mad.

 

I am not saying that she should forget these things. I am not saying she should act as if nothing has happened. But I found out last night…..She is still activly upset about all of this.

 

I have totally changed who I am. I have totally changed the marriage relationship. I have become everything she asks me to be.

 

It is still not enough. I am still not enough.

 

I have just now decided to start the clock. It is now only a matter of time before she leaves me.

 

TICK TICK TICK

 

A week or so ago, da Missus and I spend a few days really getting the house clean. And for the most part, it has stayed that way.

 

One of the things we did was discuss how we would divide up some of the house work.

 

She would wash and dry the clothes, as long as I put them up was the deal. No discussion of who would round up and separate the laundry. Also, all of her undies, socks, and jammies would be put into one basket for her to put away.

 

Reality….I spent all weekend gathering, sorting, washing, drying and putting away laundry. We were seriously backed up. Probably did close to a dozen loads. She did none of it. Her basket of things is still out at the foot of the bed.

 

She would pre-wash all dishes and put them in the dishwasher, I would put them up.

 

Reality ….. Dishwasher is empty. It has been empty for a week. The sink is totally full, and dishes are now spilling onto the counter.

 

Each day, da Twinsies toys that had been dragged into the living room would be put away, by da Twinsies.

 

Reality…….Each day, more and more toys are being left out. I either put them away or have da Twinsies put them away first thing in the morning.

 

I really thought we had hit a turning point. I guess we have not. Looking back, I was really hoping that the entire housecleaning was not just because her new boyfriend was coming over.

 

Silly Me.

 

Maybe I need to realize that where I just thought I was her submissive, in reality, I am her slave.

 

da Missus awoke this morning, chatted online with someonw who IM’d her during the night and went back to sleep. This was very early in the morning.

As I got up with the kids, she curled up in a blanket and  chatted with her IM buddies. While getting dressed, she continued to IM different people.

I guess if I am to be broken, I should not let this bother me.

 

But, I also need to look at how this is affecting da Twins.

Maybe it isn’t affecting them.

I just need to figure out how to balance out keeping da Missus happy, and still make sure da Twins are properly raise.

This will be a delicate juggling act.

I came home from work yesterday after da Missus ask me to pick up dinner. To my suprise, when I walked into the kitchen…It was clean!!! She had worked on it a good portion of the day. Dishes were washed, cabinets were cleaned out, clothes were washed, sink and stove were scrubbed. It was amazing!!!!!

I was such in shock, she actually thought I was mad at her. Now she did not put the clothes away, nor were all the dishes done and put away yet…….But damn!!!!

 I still do not know what to think about this. Is this a sign of things to come? A step in the right direction? Or just an aberation from the norm???

Today ….

 I woke with my son at 9:10 am. I fixed him breakfast. We watched TV and played on the computer. I then washed a load of dishes. I put away three basket of laundry that had not been put away yet. I put another load of laundry to wash. Once it is done, I will dry them and start another load. If there is enough time, I will put that load away and start one more load. Yes, we do have a lot of laundry.  During the clothes drying I will pull the dishes from the dishwasher and start a new load of dishes. I am also planning on picking up all the toys in the living room, and then start cleaning one of the kids room. Around 10:15 my daughter awoke. I fixed her breakfast and she and I played.

At 1 pm, I will awaken da Missus so she can take her bath. Once she is done, I will begin getting ready for work.

Soon I hope to have a bit of the laundry and dishes back to a managable level. Because of my broken arm, both backed up. 

This is a normal day in my life.

I will say though, if my son awakes before 8 am, she allows me to take a nap before I go to work.

I finally realized that I have become broken. I now just have to figure out what to do with that realization. 

She can do anything….anything…and the fact is, I will forgive her and still love her. I may get upset and angry. She may hurt me deeply, but in the end, I will stay with her. Numerous times, I have been informed that I have to change this or that or the other, or she will leave. She is allowed to do whatever she feels, in spite of how I may feel about it.

This is what is meant by unconditional love.

Example 1….

She goes off and does something that I am not too happy with, but because she wants to do it, and it will make her happy, I say ok. She always asks……I am not sure why, I never say no to her…..

Off she goes. She returns…I am not happy and she realizes that I am not happy….

But with 30 minutes she is repeating the exact same action that had upset me earlier. We talked about it, and I decided that I am ok with it.

Example 2….

All housework … Dishes. Laundry. Picking up Kids toys. Yardwork. Feeding animals.

All housework is now done by me. There is now not even a question of who is to do what.

Why????

Because I want her to be happy, regardless of the cost to me.

Example 3….

We are in an open marriage. I have to set up all of my supposed encounters in advance. I also have to ask permission. She has said no to me going out and meeting up. For that matter, I have to ask her permission even to go over to a friend’s house to hang out. And yes, she does say no. She also asks for permission for her encounters. Is it truly called permission if she knows I am going to tell her that she can do what she wants, no matter how I feel?

I have realized that who and what I was, is now gone. I am now hers. It does not matter if I like it or not. I have made made myself this way because I will not tell her “no”. I will not do anything at all to hurt her, physically, emotionally or mentally. I will always let her do whatever she wants / needs to do to be happy.

She will always get what she wants, and I will continue to allow it.

And the funny thing is, she calls her self a submissive. I guess that just means in the bedroom.

Can one be a totally passive/agressive Master????? 

The realization of the true total complete unconditional love must be intoxicating. She knows, in her heart, that there is nothing she can do that will make me leave. However, with a single word from her, I will walk away forever.

Why? To make her happy…… 

Good-Bye Tigger. Hello whoever I have and will become.