Code Name D.A.D. … Defeat Anger Daily

It has not been a good week for me.

It has been an awesome weekend.

It has been a horrible weekend.

And the best part, damnable part of it all … it is all my owning freaking fracking fault.

 

I can’t talk. I won’t talk. I don’t want anyone to hurt, and by my silence,  I maybe doing more damage than is imagined. 

I live my life with the attitude that my problems are exactly that…my problems. 

I dont want anyone else to be brought down by everything that I have and my issues.

The fun part about this attitude, is that I hold no one but myself to this standard. And if I heard it from anyone else, I would tell them that they are making a big mistake. I have reasons for this attitude that one day I will delve into. But tonight. Tonight is about that lovely friend insomnia that has broken back in.

I try so hard not to hurt anyone; everyone around me is in fear.  At work I put on my mask and  grind on through. Work issues cannot be talk about at work due to the political structure. Who is friends with who still rules. Go to the right church, join the right club…..Stab the right back, drop the correct rumour…..POWER AND PROMOTION. Very few know how I feel at work. And even fewer know my personal life.

Well, enough of my whining. Time to replace the shields build the walls and realign my mask. There is a world to perform for….Let’s not  let reality get in the way.

 

I hate this. I am trying so hard to break out. I do not want to be like this.

 

*SIGH*

Last night was a bad night. I looked at my life and for a time could not find a positive. I was twice divorced. I am in the exact same job and position as I was years ago. My girlfriend was pissed at me. I was failing her in different ways. The students I am teaching at work did horrid on their first assessment. I had a promotion at work a while back, but was demoted in a political move.
So, I went to bed in a shitty mood. And woke up in a worse mood. I tried to hide it as best I could this morning. I then decided that this wasn’t working for me. I had pulled myself down. I had made my own funk. Did/do I have reason to be down? Maybe. Probally. I don’t know. What I DO know is that I have control of how I handle my emotions. And to choose to be depressed does not make sense. It is my choice.
I will lie to myself if I have to until I either am happy; or can hide it enough. Convince those around me is easy. Convincing myself is dificult. But….
It will be done

I work for a major government entity. I will not mention which one. However, this one I have to share….

 

The person who was the head of my city and the entire department has recently retired. I have not been happier about a personnel move like that in YEARS. But before she left, she made one more of her monumental, brilliant decisions. She decided to upgrade the televisions in all of our break rooms.

 

Great idea, right? And we got NICE televisions. 60 inch plasma flat screens. DVD and VCR combination machines. Sweet deal, right? But someone got afraid that these may be stolen or vandalized. So the decision was made to move these TV’s into training rooms. The secured training rooms. The training rooms where training classes are being held.

 

So we now have at least seven TVs, converter boxes, antennas and DVD/VCR that are now not being used at all.

 

Your tax dollars at work, once again…..

 

Sometimes, everything just seems to come together.

da Missus is soon to officially be the ex-missus. Paperwork w/ the courts to make it official. It still hurts. It may always have a twinge of pain, but progress is being made. Everything is amicable. No real issues, judge just has to sign it.

Work is still a pain. I still get frustrated at many of the people who I see get promoted, and even more frustrated at many I see in higher jobs, but I am not letting it get to me. I keep fighting. And I am also now starting to make it well know to those above that I need more duties, and more additional assignments. More work? Yes, but more of a chance of being noticed.

da Twinsies are growing mentally and physically almost as I blink. They make me laugh all day. So much energy. So much fun. So much EVERYTHING.

And then there is my new girlfriend. Wow. I mean damn. I mean there is just so much it is almost overwhelming. She is in my mind all the time. It is frightening. She and I have know each other forever. But this has been the first time we have tried to be an "us". There was always someone or something or whatever in the way. But now, we are giving it a try. And yes, I can say it…. I am in love ! ! ! ! ! ! Guess that is all for now, updates to come

No real reason for this post, but I felt a need to write …

— I had a date this weekend. I think it went well. Ended a bit oddly. Broke the “three day rule” and asked her out again the next day. Got a maybe. Hope it happens, if not, life will go on.
— I had my kids this last weekend. Everytime I see them they continue to amaze me. I cannot say how much I miss them.
— I had a dream last night. It took place in first person. Twas rather odd. I was chasing or looking for something or someone. Twas very important. Everytime I came to what I thought was my objective something happened. I was in a panic about not finding my goal, but I kept laughing at the obstacles.
— There is another lady who I think there is possible interet. Well, let me rephrase that, I have interest, and now I think she might also. Minor problem, she is married. I know better. I have screwed up and seriously fallen for someone who taken in the past. I still hurt on that one. Luckily, I still have a great friend. I may have interest, I am learning to behave. But with this new one…well, I don’t know. I am sure some out there will say I am going to hell for chasing married people, I am working on it. It is hard for me not to follow where my heart goes.
— Ended up asking someone out for drinks. Was for a night that I had already asked someone else out and was still awaiting an answer. Luckily one of the dates couldn’t make it. I am just glad I am showing balls again.
— I realized that I need to work on my “blind date” technique. Tis been a long damn time since I went out on a first date. Even longer for a real old style blind date.

More to come

I guess it has taken me a long time to really figure out what a real friend is. I look back over my early childhood, and realize that I had a number of "friends", but they were there only for me when things were good for all of us. When it was more advantageous for them not to be my friend, or when we got into a fight, their friendship was gone.

Funny, that. I truly believe that somewhere as a kid, someone who was very close to me stated "you’re not my friend anymore" and it hurt me. Hurt me worse than I realized. And it was not until recently that I figured this out.

However, this is not a "poor D.A.D" post. Nothing of the sort. This post is a victory post. This post is about a major miraculous turn around that has taken place. What happened to turn me around? I have really no idea. All I know is that I see things in a whole new light.

I think a lot of what happened had to do with this last weekend. I left town to go visit a friend. Twas a bit of a drive, but more importantly, it was spur of the moment. It was impromptu. It was totally uncalled for and liberating.

I did not worry about what "XYZ" would think. "XYZ" is no certain person, but a group of voices and people whose opinions I hold dear. Some of these people are not even in my life anymore.  I finally realized that my perception of what certain people would think has been crippling me.

Will these people and voices still guide and direct me? Sure, they, to a point, are what I call “my conscience”. But what I have realized is that way to often, I let what I perceived these peoples opinions MIGHT be interfere with me living my life to the fullest.

And I am sure that I will do things that some of these people will not approve of. I am sure that from time to time I will make bad descisions and do stupid things. BUT….Right now, I feel that it is more important to live life and pay for consequences than slow rot away worrying about what someone else MIGHT think of me.

In the Play Julius Caesar by Shakespeare, Caesar states “Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once."

Another quote states "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ~ WOO HOO what a ride!" (I don’t know who said this one)

The key is that I was slowly dying. Rotting away wondering how my actions would affect what others thought of me. I was (am probably still will be for a while) worried about them losing their friendship. No more. I will still think about my actions of course. I will still see how my actions affect others. But I will no longer stop living worrying about what someone else will think about me or how it will affect our friendship.

My true friends love me, and will continue to love me. Sure, they will tell me when I do something stupid (as they should). But a true friend will continue to be a friend reguardless. I just now understand that.

I am going to live life. I am going to start doing all those things on my “I wanna do this someday list”.

Some day is NOW

REACH FOR THE SUN!!!!!!!!

Damn, it is so good not to be constantly pissed anymore. Yeah, that is a good chunk of the reason she left me. I, too, could not let stuff go a lot.

No…..More accurate statement is neither of us would change our ways. She would piss me off. I would fester and boil. She would lock up or look elsewhere to talk and whatever. i got angrier about that. She did what she had to do to avoid the anger.  And so it got to the point she no longer wanted to be with me.

I miss her. I probably will always miss her. But here is the funny part. I am getting to a point where I am not sure I can take her back. If she ever does want to come back, I am not going to let thing be the way they were. I will have certain expectations. A lot of these expectation are mainly for myself. 

I guess that is not true. I will always take her back, especially since there are da Twinsies. I will always love her. That will never, ever change.  I guess it is all pointless though to talk about. I know she has zero interest in coming back to me. And I can honestly say, it is now her loss.

I know a lot of what is helping me is the fact that I am dating again. And while I have only been out on dates with one person so far, I know that there are others who have interest and vice versa. I see this now. The best part is, from what I can tell, their interest is in me. Yeah, I have been at a point where more than one person wanted to date me, but they were doing to piss off the other girl I was with, to fuck with my life or to try and stir jealousy in someone they were trying to be with. These seem to be interested in ME. Little old me. ROCK ON.

Life keeps coming at you, and you can fight it, swim with it, just keep your head above the waves, or…….You can grab a board AND RIDE THE FUCKING WAVE!!!!!!!

That is where I am now. And it is where I plan to stay. 

RIDE THE WAVE. CARPE DIEM AND ALL THAT SHIT.

And Remember…….Life, in the end…..No one will get out of it alive.

 

And now, it is time for me to continue jamming with the Gopher……….(See me dancing @ the 1 minute mark)

Will be more beer tonight……Not due to depression, but to hopefully clear the crap from the old brain box and help me figure out where to go and what to do. SO much going on right now, but even with all the shit that may come down, I am feeling good about myself again. And that is a good thing. Hell, even this weekend as I got stood up, I really wanted to know what her issue was instead of what was wrong with me. Yeah, There was a lot of self-doubt and self depreciation that crept in. But, for the most part, I kept it in check.

Even while getting a bit drunk.And I talked to the girl that stood me up. There is interest there. A lot of interest. But she is one who has to commit all the way. And as long as my wife is in the picture, she is not sure that she can. LOL…..She sure wants to. Her words, not my ego talking there. Actually the quote was “I know what would have happened if I got you alone……Mmmm MMMmmm mmmmm”

It is so nice to feel wanted. And hell, let’s call it what it is. It is a bit nice to feel lusted after. It has been a while since I have felt that.

She is scared. Scared of what happens if we start something, especially with me still being married. Even more so, with me still being in love with da Missus. But she also knows da Missus and considers her a good friend. And she also knows our whole history. And she also knows our children and is madly in love with them. She knows that da Missus and I are still not resolved, but my heart currently still belongs to da Missus. I would cut off all contact with this new girl to regain what da Missus and I had. But maybe I need to realize that what I am looking for with da Missus only exists in my head and in my fantasies.

Hell, I am scared, because I do know a solution, but I cannot do it.

*SIGH*

This sux………And is awesome

 Something very interesting just happened here at work. Things are looking up. We shall see.

I know a lot of people are not going to like this post. I know a lot of people are going to think a lot less of me. But what the hell. I really don’t care anymore.

A co-worker of mine passed away this weekend. This particular co-worker and I never saw eye to eye. We never really even liked each other. And right now, since I am acting as a supervisor, I have to deal with getting all of the paper work taken care of. It is a serious pain in the ass. And this particular employee has been a pain in my ass for a number of years. And she has been this way for a number of people up here.
And as disgusting as this sounds there are a number of people up here who are glad she is gone. I am not saying that anyone is happy that she has passed away. No one is happy about that.
And it got me to thinking. Is that the way I am looked at? Will I be missed? Will people care that I am gone? Will there be grieving or celebration?
And the more I think about it, there are some that will be happy I am gone. Their life would be easier without me around. And yes, there are probably a few that will even be happy that I am dead.
I guess what I have to figure out NOW is what do I do with this revelation????

No….I am not thinking about suicide………..